14 May 2018

The truth is…

I haven’t been feeling mentally well these past few months. I have moments when my insecurities are getting the best of me. It has been an internal struggle.

I HAVE NO love in my life and when the topic comes up, the gates shut. It’s a sensitive topic and I shut down a conversation when it comes up because I will burst out crying on the spot if someone asks me how I truly feel.

I just found out that the man that I have been infatuated with for an entire year and a half is taken. I am angry at myself that I still am attracted to him and want him. I move on then I see him and I relapse… it is an ongoing vicious cycle. I don’t know why I am drawn to him only. There are other more attractive men at work.

I see his name everywhere. I thought the universe would stop, but even if it’s confirmed he is taken I see his name everywhere. It makes me sad.

Dark Period of this year

Things have not gone well so far folks.

Summer has ended and has entered Autumn (by the way, my favourite season of the year) but my life has taken a sudden dark turn. I can’t disclose too much information but I feel like I have betrayed a friend at work. Can’t disclose any details,…. but I feel like I might be (below).


I will just have to wait and see this coming week.

Other than that, in my pursuit of love (or lack of), my mind decided ‘no’ (my heart said ‘yes’). Word has it the guy that I have been crushing for a year is taken. It definitely defined the boundary (confirmation that he is indeed untouchable). Part of me is relieved, part of me is actually very sad. I’ve been crushing a not-single guy for an entire year. I feel like a fool because how dare I be attracted to a guy that is about to get married?


It’s a punch in the face.

Worst still, his name is still popping up everywhere. I don’t know what that is about.


I haven’t had a good week and I feel like it’s going to get worse.

Until next time.



What in the…

I am trying to convince myself that’s it’s all in my head.

I had desired him, but wish not to.

His name just comes up every day. I have said, his name was never a common name in my life time.

I am drawn to things that make me encounter his name.

Be it news articles, movies and even at work.

I said ‘no’ to the universe, but his name still pops up.

It’s driving me insane.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the universe is telling me.



F!@king February.

I chose the above title “Fucking February” as I am exclaiming it in anger and joy (?). I’ve had an odd February. It ‘s still the beginning yet, it feels like it’s about to be over and so much has occurred in a span of 13 days.

I’ve had ups-and-downs regarding my current work place. News of importance and massive inconvenience came around the first week of February and put a dent on my plans for the year. I can’t disclose too much but the client reneged on their contact with the company I work for. This news or rather decision and situation has placed all my colleagues (including me) under a cloud of uncertainty. Apparently, the company plan to keep the many agents working that contract, but like everything, it’s not confirmed and I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

Funnily enough, my teammates thought I would have a mental breakdown due the announcement because they think of me so serious and concentrated. Once I found out about the situation, I thought it to be a complete farce given the nature of the job and what I do on a day to day basis there. Instead, of having a mental breakdown I saw it in as a window of opportunity.

Upon reflection, I decided it’s not a stable place to work at my current workplace and  I do not want to be in the situation of becoming unemployed again. Whilst, I hate (but tolerated) the job, I was naive to think that it would provide me that stability I long craved for. I decided post-announcement, it was time to take action and actively seek other employment. I am not going to twiddle my fingers until they assign me to another contract. It’s not guaranteed, I do not like uncertainty and being screwed over.

Seeking new employment wasn’t on my plans for the beginning of the year, however, if you know by my previous blog entries, I’m a person who believes in signs.

Prior to the announcement, I was working the weekend and had the vibe to look at SEEK for jobs whilst at work. For me to go browse a job seeking website at work is very unusual for me. It means the job has broken me.

Next day, the news broke out.

The day after the news broke out , I was on a rostered day off and my horoscope of the day communicated a very clear message that it was time for me to look elsewhere.

The universe was loud and clear on this aspect of my life. Time to move on!

Speaking of the universe, whilst the message regarding the job is loud and clear, I still can’t understand why a certain individuals name keeps popping up. I see his name everywhere and I don’t know what it’s all about.

No messages attached to it. It’s starting to annoy me because I don’t know how to proceed or what to do. I am confused am I to pursue or am I not. I don’t know why I keep seeing his name.

It’s just 13 days in February. I applied for one job and got a response that NEVER happens to me.

Now lets just wait and see.

Until next time.

The void, the darkness. Call it whatever you want.

I’m going through one of those periods where I want to lock myself in the room and never see the light of day again.

I’m feeling sad, anxious, self-conscious and just plain moody.

It’s a combination of many things that have triggered this response. Add to the fact that it’s the time of the month which just makes it even worse.

The more I try explain it to people the more they do not understand how I am. There are only two people in my life who have a slight understanding what I am going through because they have or are going through it.

I am prone to outbursts when I can’t conceal it well.

This feeling of emptiness, whilst I am emotionally fragile and I do feel things but I don’t. I don’t know how to put it in words.




I actually played Cricket.

I decided this year that I was going to be more “social” or do things that I normally wouldn’t do just to “experience” things.

My Centre Manager organised a Family Cricket Event to raise funds for a Breast Cancer Charity. If you know me well, I try to avoid going to work functions because— why would you want to spend a weekend with the people you see five days a week, right?

My workmate who had all these resolutions at the start of the year, took her time in providing an answer, and she was trying to make excuses not to go.

I said to her, ‘ We said we would do new things for 2018, I’ll go without you if you decide not to come, I just want to get out of the house and do something I wouldn’t do’

And so we did.

I don’t know whether she was lying to me that she thoughtthe day was ok. She probably thought it was boring and just agreed with me to shut up.

It was something I wouldn’t normally do, attending an event amongst people I know of but don’t know personally. I ended up even participating in playing a game (cricket of all things! )

It was 30 degrees in the day time, I was out in the sun doing physical activity. Something I haven’t done since 2005. It made me realise that I really do need to work on my fitness and to try do more stuff like this.

I think I will have to add on a page on this blog of what ‘new’ things I have done for the year.

Until next time.

In continuation of yesterday.

One of my workmates within my team—being the gentlemen that he is, decided to celebrate my birthday a day late by gifting me cake.

It was very considerate of him but he didn’t have to.

That being said, the opportunity presented itself.

Food means left over chocolate and red velvet cake = I could muster some courage to offer cake to a certain guy I like at work. He gladly took some cake.

Talked to the guy (check box ticked)

My job is done and I can finally move on (YAY)