14 May 2018

The truth is…

I haven’t been feeling mentally well these past few months. I have moments when my insecurities are getting the best of me. It has been an internal struggle.

I HAVE NO love in my life and when the topic comes up, the gates shut. It’s a sensitive topic and I shut down a conversation when it comes up because I will burst out crying on the spot if someone asks me how I truly feel.

I just found out that the man that I have been infatuated with for an entire year and a half is taken. I am angry at myself that I still am attracted to him and want him. I move on then I see him and I relapse… it is an ongoing vicious cycle. I don’t know why I am drawn to him only. There are other more attractive men at work.

I see his name everywhere. I thought the universe would stop, but even if it’s confirmed he is taken I see his name everywhere. It makes me sad.

F!@king February.

I chose the above title “Fucking February” as I am exclaiming it in anger and joy (?). I’ve had an odd February. It ‘s still the beginning yet, it feels like it’s about to be over and so much has occurred in a span of 13 days.

I’ve had ups-and-downs regarding my current work place. News of importance and massive inconvenience came around the first week of February and put a dent on my plans for the year. I can’t disclose too much but the client reneged on their contact with the company I work for. This news or rather decision and situation has placed all my colleagues (including me) under a cloud of uncertainty. Apparently, the company plan to keep the many agents working that contract, but like everything, it’s not confirmed and I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

Funnily enough, my teammates thought I would have a mental breakdown due the announcement because they think of me so serious and concentrated. Once I found out about the situation, I thought it to be a complete farce given the nature of the job and what I do on a day to day basis there. Instead, of having a mental breakdown I saw it in as a window of opportunity.

Upon reflection, I decided it’s not a stable place to work at my current workplace and  I do not want to be in the situation of becoming unemployed again. Whilst, I hate (but tolerated) the job, I was naive to think that it would provide me that stability I long craved for. I decided post-announcement, it was time to take action and actively seek other employment. I am not going to twiddle my fingers until they assign me to another contract. It’s not guaranteed, I do not like uncertainty and being screwed over.

Seeking new employment wasn’t on my plans for the beginning of the year, however, if you know by my previous blog entries, I’m a person who believes in signs.

Prior to the announcement, I was working the weekend and had the vibe to look at SEEK for jobs whilst at work. For me to go browse a job seeking website at work is very unusual for me. It means the job has broken me.

Next day, the news broke out.

The day after the news broke out , I was on a rostered day off and my horoscope of the day communicated a very clear message that it was time for me to look elsewhere.

The universe was loud and clear on this aspect of my life. Time to move on!

Speaking of the universe, whilst the message regarding the job is loud and clear, I still can’t understand why a certain individuals name keeps popping up. I see his name everywhere and I don’t know what it’s all about.

No messages attached to it. It’s starting to annoy me because I don’t know how to proceed or what to do. I am confused am I to pursue or am I not. I don’t know why I keep seeing his name.

It’s just 13 days in February. I applied for one job and got a response that NEVER happens to me.

Now lets just wait and see.

Until next time.

The void, the darkness. Call it whatever you want.

I’m going through one of those periods where I want to lock myself in the room and never see the light of day again.

I’m feeling sad, anxious, self-conscious and just plain moody.

It’s a combination of many things that have triggered this response. Add to the fact that it’s the time of the month which just makes it even worse.

The more I try explain it to people the more they do not understand how I am. There are only two people in my life who have a slight understanding what I am going through because they have or are going through it.

I am prone to outbursts when I can’t conceal it well.

This feeling of emptiness, whilst I am emotionally fragile and I do feel things but I don’t. I don’t know how to put it in words.

 

 

 

I actually played Cricket.

I decided this year that I was going to be more “social” or do things that I normally wouldn’t do just to “experience” things.

My Centre Manager organised a Family Cricket Event to raise funds for a Breast Cancer Charity. If you know me well, I try to avoid going to work functions because— why would you want to spend a weekend with the people you see five days a week, right?

My workmate who had all these resolutions at the start of the year, took her time in providing an answer, and she was trying to make excuses not to go.

I said to her, ‘ We said we would do new things for 2018, I’ll go without you if you decide not to come, I just want to get out of the house and do something I wouldn’t do’

And so we did.

I don’t know whether she was lying to me that she thoughtthe day was ok. She probably thought it was boring and just agreed with me to shut up.

It was something I wouldn’t normally do, attending an event amongst people I know of but don’t know personally. I ended up even participating in playing a game (cricket of all things! )

It was 30 degrees in the day time, I was out in the sun doing physical activity. Something I haven’t done since 2005. It made me realise that I really do need to work on my fitness and to try do more stuff like this.

I think I will have to add on a page on this blog of what ‘new’ things I have done for the year.

Until next time.

Must be the Moon

This is odd (even?) Second post of the month and new year. This is a new record. Realistically speaking, it’s not going to be like this everyday. I just came home early from work and actually had a lot of time to spare. I watched a bit of Season 2 of Cable Girls but stopped half way an episode because I am not in the mood to watch anything and decided to blog.

I am feeling quite content so far. I don’t know how to fully describe it but I am feeling upbeat or receiving good vibes. It’s an odd feeling because I rarely feel like this. I think it MUST BE THE MOON.

I scored 100% for my first Quality Assurance for the of the month (and year) and what’s hilarious is that I used a stock standard template and tweaked it a bit. I shouldn’t complain. I’ll take the score. It’s just hilarious because I’ve failed before using the same template. ‘Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be’

I came into work today and they were pretty flexible with keeping me on even if I am/was sick (many people were away you see). In the past, people were sent home if they could not use their voice. My voice was that bad, but they were lenient and switched me to emails for the entire day and I am thankful for that. My voice, I believe has recovered back to 85%  to normal and I can resume to take calls tomorrow.

Whilst my throat is on recovery, I drank a lot of water to ease the dryness/soreness and it was that bad today, I ended up drinking almost two litres of water. A lot of pee breaks I must say, but there are the positives.  I can say my lips are to the point of becoming smooth like a baby. I need to get back to the habit of drinking water regularly. After one day, my skin has also improved. My aim is to reduce my Coca Cola and soft drink consumption. The only caffeine I can indulge in is coffee and tea.

I normally prefer to take the later shifts, but because the kiddies are on summer holidays, public transport is bearable (even though majority of the time will be replacement buses). I find it easier to wake up earlier in the morning and getting to work on time. I do find a difference and understand why my workmates prefer the earlier shift. I got home and ended having spare time and just spent it eating dinner, watching half an episode of Cable Girls and taking a nap.

There is nothing more I can type about apart from remembering I didn’t prepare any lunch for tomorrow.

Note to self: Prepare lunch for work every night. Avoid buying lunch.

That’s it for today. Until next time.

 

The last day of 2017

I don’t want to make this an essay but it might end up as an essay (a very badly structured essay— or rather reflective piece).

Normally, a Netflix movie would be on in the background and I’d be having a glass of wine whilst typing this. Actually, I planned to stay at a friends house, eating cheese and drinking many glasses of wine but we’re both sick due to the fucking temperamental weather.

It’s not going to be a great 2018 because obviously, I’m sick (Summer flu).  This sickness that came about on the  28 Thursday December 2017 will roll over to the new year. I have a stuffy nose, my throat feels like fucking sandpaper… and HAHAHA, for a person who is employed to answer phone calls, I’ve lost my voice temporarily! I have to be back at work on Tuesday and I can’t afford to miss work!

I will be honest, I didn’t keep track of my year because apart from staying in a job for an entire year (that’s a milestone for my personal record). It was a blur. Also, this blog turned out to be something I didn’t intend it to be, and now it’s just my personal bitch about life online diary. ( Note to self: I have to update the intention of this blog).

So, the start of 2018 will consist of myself nursing my throat and it is not looking good!

What happened this year (2017) for me?

All I remember  (below, not in event order):

  • James Comey hearing
  • James Comey trying to camouflage himself with the Blue White House curtains.
  • Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s leaked telephone transcript with Donald Trump
  • My bestfriend gave birth to an adorable daughter with fabulous hair.
  • Sean Spicer Resignation
  • Anthony Scaramucci getting fired.
  • Updates and policies at work, changing every 2 weeks, now it’s every one week and a half.

The realisations and changes that happened to me (profoundly altered me personally)

  • The job has made me dead inside
  • I am more blunt
  • I now hold a grudge with a passion, I am less tolerant and impatient. Fundamentally, I have never been confrontational and straight with my wrath and vengeance. My wrath and vengeance is silent… I do that behind the scenes.
  • Me being interested in somebody for the first time since 2013
  • Me being chicken and not being able to say a simple ‘hello’ to that certain guy (I need to work on that)
  • I really want to (f!@#k) that guy
  • I made some new friends
  • I realised I need to see a shrink asap

That was pretty much it

However, I have a month and a half to improve the start of the year. Not to worry much ! Friday 16th February 2018 is my do-over New Year because it’s Lunar New Year, which I take a touch more seriously.

Any resolutions? LOL. Yeah. I need to make a vision board. That’s all.

I will take on 2018 humbly!

 

How do I muster the courage to talk…

To him is painful.

Words don’t come out. I can’t look him in the eye. I want to talk to him but I am pretty much Ariel the mermaid in this situation. I lose my voice.

I think he thinks I hate him. I don’t. I just don’t know how to initiate a conversation.

I am at a loss for words.

The universe was sending in some signs. Today, I think the universe was pushing him to me. I can’t read him, but I get this vibe that he too wants to figure what the hell is wrong with me.

We catch public transport to and from work.

He normally waits on the other end of the platform catching the the train outbound from the city,

I take the train travelling inbound to the city. I normally wait for my train near the platform kiosk, or behind the kiosk. He normally waits on the opposite end to where I usually wait.

This time he was at his usual side of the platform waiting for his train, but on the end of the platform that I wait for my train. I find it unusual as he never heads to that end.

When he arrived to the platform, he walked straight to the kiosk, I took a glance back and I saw he wasn’t headed to his usual direction, it’s like he was heading towards me but chickened out.

Maybe I am overthinking it. Yesterday, I chickened out because we exited our work area at the same time and … I passed him and ran for the stairs….

I have opportunities and I am wasting them. I don’t how to overcome my insecurities.

 

tbc