Can you believe it’s almost the end of the year?

Somehow I am still feeling the same as last November. The politics have not improved in Australia and Donald Trump is still in President of the United States. I don’t even know where to begin with the sorry state of affairs of Politics to even discuss it, maybe I don’t have the full understanding of what is happening around the world and it was my goal to educate myself but knowing me, I don’t have the enthusiasm as I did at the beginning of the year. I finally got a job (that I really hate) that all I want to do as soon as I enter the house door, is eat chicken and watch netflix.

My life situation hasn’t improved even though  I have steady income flowing in (not great by the way but still a wage), other things keep propping up and I’m the type of person who is irrational and takes repetitions of words that it’s a message from the universe telling me things.

Or maybe my good friend/colleague has unleashed something from my subconscious that I have locked up for so long and it’s just made me more depressed because I admit I’m not single by choice and I never really thought much about until she kept talking about her love life and asking why I never thought about it.

So, now I’m stuck on being sad about something I considered unimportant for many years and it’s getting to me. Maybe, it’s due to my age and I feel like I am wasting time in every aspect of my life.

I am slowly trying to dress more ‘age’ appropriate, I feel like the fashion of today is too “young” for me and I need to start dressing more smart casual often and need to stop buying sneakers. I am not being taken seriously as an adult and I feel it’s because of the way I dress.

So, for the last few months I’ve been in “deep thought” about my personal life and how to “better” or “improve” myself physically. As much as I hate to admit this, but to a degree “looks do matter” and at the moment I am looking quite ugly and I feel ugly.





Life Complaint. May edition.

I will admit while I have a job that I do not particularly enjoy, a job is a job is a job is a job. It’s something that pays the bills and buys the necessities in life.

I often find myself bored. I’m not productive. I can go clean the house, but I do not because I’m not in the mood or I’m simply just lazy. Buying material goods does not make me happy. I’ve found no joy in any new clothing I buy or whatever and I don’t know what I want anymore. Material possessions do not fascinate me. I think often, the more I buy the less space I have, the more junk I accumulate and then there is more rubbish that clutter and pollutes the world.   I often find myself thinking, reflecting, why I am not in the mood to watch netflix, normal television, watch or participate in sport. I feel no passion. I feel bored. I can’t even be bothered reading.

What is wrong with me?



My 2016

I planned for this post to be posted on New Years Eve, but I think it’s more appropriate for the eve of New Years Eve.

In my 26 years of existence, I had experienced set backs before, but this year was the worst I’ve ever experienced in my baby adult years.

The first few months was a blur to be honest, until my friend got married in May and from then on it started getting interesting. Actually, that’s a lie. All I remember is my best friend getting married and apart from that, I was in a state of  self-loathing, depression and isolated from social events.


Being unemployed for almost two years and lots of pressure and expectations from the fam got to me. Facebook too, can be cruel. So many friends and acquaintances living the life, while I’m still the loser 9 years ago, haven’t changed one bit at all. The looming highschool reunion  next year and I feel like I’m living the first part of that movie ‘Romy and Michele’s Highschool Reunion’,  especially the part when Romy expresses that she feels like a loser (or along those lines).

My self-esteem was probably 1, had it been zilch, I wouldn’t be alive now.  Yes, there were times were I had thoughts of suicide but never acted it out because (1) I kept reminding myself that there are people in a more dire situation around the world who have it harder than I do , (2) I do not want to hurt others (that is my family and friends), (3) My Catholic guilt came into play. I did however suffer on multiple occassions nights consisting of crying most nights, be curled up in a foetal position or never wanting to get out of bed in the morning.

The shit hit the fan in November. To add to the permanent state of unhappiness I have,  I was so disheartened, upset and disillusioned with what was happening politically in the world. I even suffered a Britney moment, the US election was so distressing, — I didn’t shave my head but I did cut it shorter than how I prefered it, because the results of the US Election (and the Australian Election earlier in the year), I was that upset that I felt the need to change. I guess life was so crazy months before that I felt the need to chop my hair and make it a symbol of trying to gain control of my life. A week after I did that, my parents and siblings secretly organised an intervention -which I  was none too happy about, but was much needed. It was a hard punch to the face. What they had said bruised what ego I had left but it was the truth and in that truth came the motivation to be assertive and well– not be stuck babysitting and pressured into studying childcare. It was surprisingly a blessing in disguise. I ended up getting two job opportunities at the end of the month and i ended getting a great job that I feel that I can competently do.

So, while I say I experienced the shittiest year in my 26 years of living, there was a personal positive that outweighed all the negatives. I no longer feel the need to be the filial daughter, I don’t care what they say anymore. I dictate my life, and I look forward to what adventure 2017 has in store for me.

Until next time.