Life Complaint. May edition.

I will admit while I have a job that I do not particularly enjoy, a job is a job is a job is a job. It’s something that pays the bills and buys the necessities in life.

I often find myself bored. I’m not productive. I can go clean the house, but I do not because I’m not in the mood or I’m simply just lazy. Buying material goods does not make me happy. I’ve found no joy in any new clothing I buy or whatever and I don’t know what I want anymore. Material possessions do not fascinate me. I think often, the more I buy the less space I have, the more junk I accumulate and then there is more rubbish that clutter and pollutes the world.   I often find myself thinking, reflecting, why I am not in the mood to watch netflix, normal television, watch or participate in sport. I feel no passion. I feel bored. I can’t even be bothered reading.

What is wrong with me?

 

 

My 2016

I planned for this post to be posted on New Years Eve, but I think it’s more appropriate for the eve of New Years Eve.

In my 26 years of existence, I had experienced set backs before, but this year was the worst I’ve ever experienced in my baby adult years.

The first few months was a blur to be honest, until my friend got married in May and from then on it started getting interesting. Actually, that’s a lie. All I remember is my best friend getting married and apart from that, I was in a state of  self-loathing, depression and isolated from social events.

Why?

Being unemployed for almost two years and lots of pressure and expectations from the fam got to me. Facebook too, can be cruel. So many friends and acquaintances living the life, while I’m still the loser 9 years ago, haven’t changed one bit at all. The looming highschool reunion  next year and I feel like I’m living the first part of that movie ‘Romy and Michele’s Highschool Reunion’,  especially the part when Romy expresses that she feels like a loser (or along those lines).

My self-esteem was probably 1, had it been zilch, I wouldn’t be alive now.  Yes, there were times were I had thoughts of suicide but never acted it out because (1) I kept reminding myself that there are people in a more dire situation around the world who have it harder than I do , (2) I do not want to hurt others (that is my family and friends), (3) My Catholic guilt came into play. I did however suffer on multiple occassions nights consisting of crying most nights, be curled up in a foetal position or never wanting to get out of bed in the morning.

The shit hit the fan in November. To add to the permanent state of unhappiness I have,  I was so disheartened, upset and disillusioned with what was happening politically in the world. I even suffered a Britney moment, the US election was so distressing, — I didn’t shave my head but I did cut it shorter than how I prefered it, because the results of the US Election (and the Australian Election earlier in the year), I was that upset that I felt the need to change. I guess life was so crazy months before that I felt the need to chop my hair and make it a symbol of trying to gain control of my life. A week after I did that, my parents and siblings secretly organised an intervention -which I  was none too happy about, but was much needed. It was a hard punch to the face. What they had said bruised what ego I had left but it was the truth and in that truth came the motivation to be assertive and well– not be stuck babysitting and pressured into studying childcare. It was surprisingly a blessing in disguise. I ended up getting two job opportunities at the end of the month and i ended getting a great job that I feel that I can competently do.

So, while I say I experienced the shittiest year in my 26 years of living, there was a personal positive that outweighed all the negatives. I no longer feel the need to be the filial daughter, I don’t care what they say anymore. I dictate my life, and I look forward to what adventure 2017 has in store for me.

Until next time.