My search for happiness.

The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘Happiness’ :

Happiness is the feeling you have when things give you pleasure and can be quite a lively feeling; contentment is a quieter feeling that you get when you have learned to find pleasure in things.

(Well I googled ‘Oxford Dictionary definition of Happiness’ and it provided the above.)

I will be frank with you now I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt happy.

I am fundamentally a pessimist. It’s just my nature and I need to adjust that.

I’m passive, timid and extremely negative. I’ve been called a buzzkill and I do identify that it needs to change.

I’ve questioned my happiness as long as I left highschool. My ENTER result still wounds me today, the trauma and the feelings of failure. It haunts me. I have regrets and my life is pretty much a cul-de-sac.

I have a job that is slowly becoming a toxic environment. I have no option currently, but to stay there because I haven’t really stayed in a job (that actually has proper references and upskill you ) for more than 4 months and I can’t afford to mess it up because I am chained to boulder called ‘adulthood’ with bills to pay and I need something on my resume indicating that I can be trusted working in a workplace for longer than 6 months.

Then a workmate she keeps bringing love life up and it just unleashed the long dormant non-existent-lovelife-kraken and how much I have suppressed that beast namely called  the ‘forever alone’ kraken and how I have been masking it with ‘I love my independence’ spray (which is partially true) and deep down inside I do crave that intimacy but I’m too chicken shit to open up to another person. Because I’m this sscrawny, 27 year old that’s never really been hit on by a guy (and Gerard Way lookalike doesn’t count because I actively pursued the guy and I think him dating me was him being nice).

I don’t know what I want in life and what will make me happy.

 

 

 

Note: July 21.

As I lie here in my bed typing whatever comes to mind, it’s the wee hours of the morning and I have a shift later in normal people hours and I want to sleep but I can’t. “It’s the damn coffees I had”. Funny, that the coffee kicks in after your shift ends and it’s a never ending cycle and I wake up late, speed walking like a mas woman aiming to get to the station within 7 minutes (when for a normal person it takes 10 to 15 minutes) and 85% of the time hop on the train before it’s scheduled departure. The truth as to why I am a fast walker is because I’m constantly always in a rush because I’m naturally a last minute person. My punctuality flew out of the window after highschool.

It’s seven months in and I am still at the job that I don’t even really like but who likes their job? It makes ends meet and I really should not complain. The reason why I am still at the job is because my workmates keep me sane. The nature of the job sucks that it’s blackened my soul, I now lack the words to sound more “empathetic”. Empathy is one of my most hated words.

It’s winter, whilst I like the cold weather because I like to rug up, the negative side to it is my mood is altered and I probably have seasonal affective disorder.

I need to read books but lack the motivation to stare at words and become invested in a story.

My plans for living frugally went out the door, but I need to review my yearly plans. SAVE SAVE SAVE. For my dental and also I do plan a trip to the US of A next year. I initially wanted to go with a friend but seeing that we’re not going eye to eye with some plans, I think I might go it alone or find someone to go with me.

Just ran out of words to include.

Until next time…

Everyone has a story. My one is a mundane one. But I will record. (When I can be bothered. Sorry for the long title)

What my week consisted of;

Whine.

Wine.

Cheese and watercress crackers.

wine.

kabana bites.

decaf coffee.

actual caffeinated coffee.

abuse from people on the other line, calling me every bad word out of urban dictionary.

The alcohol abuse happened after work… every night.

James Comey updates about him trying to blend with the blue White House curtains.

Another week of work begins and I’m looking forward to Tuesday and Wednesday because I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF and I’m going to go to the Van Gogh exhibition on Tuesday! (YAY)

 

 

Life Complaint. May edition.

I will admit while I have a job that I do not particularly enjoy, a job is a job is a job is a job. It’s something that pays the bills and buys the necessities in life.

I often find myself bored. I’m not productive. I can go clean the house, but I do not because I’m not in the mood or I’m simply just lazy. Buying material goods does not make me happy. I’ve found no joy in any new clothing I buy or whatever and I don’t know what I want anymore. Material possessions do not fascinate me. I think often, the more I buy the less space I have, the more junk I accumulate and then there is more rubbish that clutter and pollutes the world.   I often find myself thinking, reflecting, why I am not in the mood to watch netflix, normal television, watch or participate in sport. I feel no passion. I feel bored. I can’t even be bothered reading.

What is wrong with me?

 

 

The routine.

I come home pretty brain dead.

That has become the routine.

Every morning, I wake up and have a mini-crisis. Arguing with myself ‘Should I bother to go into work?’. The job is that depressing I am already having to argue with myself to get my body to march out of my room and get ready for work and it’s just 3 months.

So, I switch my smartphone’s wi-fi and “ding ding ding! news alert and someone from the US Administration has said something stupid, or when it comes to domestic politics, Pauline Hanson is being the typical populist fool that she is.

Then when I get to work, one look at my seat and comaraderie is knocked out of us, as my workmates in the kitchen realise it’s time to enter the office and in single file our smiles turn upside down.

I log in, look at my schedule and anticipate the end of my shift.

After work ends, I hop on the train and commute home.  By the time I get home, I feel like I’ve wasted a day and can’t really do anything, just spend two hours eating late dinner and tv shows.

 

 

 

 

It’s draining my soul.

I don’t want to go into much details about my employment. At the moment all or what I can comment about my current job is that it is so demoralising.

It’s draining my soul. Teammates are applying for jobs, planning to quit and I’m following suit because I do not enjoy what I am doing.

The workplace environment is great, the people are great, the facilities are great but the job itself? I rather clean hot bainmaries in 40 degree heat.

I have never ever had a panic attack at work. There was an occassion when I was reduced to tears. I tried holding it back and I just had a meltdown.

In my employment history I’ve never ever been bothered by something that it made me cry. It happened in this job and I just over it. Every morning, I look at my schedule, waiting for the day to end.

Lately, I haven’t been able to draft anything for this blog because I come home so damn tired not wanting to think about anything and just crash on the couch, switch on Netflix and just watch a mindless action movie.

Until next time.

untitled

My last post was just two weeks ago and I haven’t really had time to reflect and blog.

There has been so much going on in the world, I don’t know where to start. I want to express my thoughts on what has been happening globally but I am dead tired and when the time comes I quite frankly cannot be bothered drafting something. Maybe, I should bring my little notebook on the train and start writing passages and just post photos of those scribbles  of incoherent thoughts (I’m just too damn lazy).

The new job stresses me out, I actually had an anxiety attack today. No one noticed, I’ve never had an anxiety attack since my final VCE exams, this happened 10 minutes before my lunch break was going to end, I was hyperventilating, it was that bad. I was really horrified of entering the room.

Once I finished off work, I popped on over to my friends work place, only to remember she had a job interview at another place, I ended up buying ‘Born a Crime’ by Trevor Noah but was too braindead, ended up napping on the train ride home.

I think I need time for myself to let my brain relax.