How do I muster the courage to talk…

To him is painful.

Words don’t come out. I can’t look him in the eye. I want to talk to him but I am pretty much Ariel the mermaid in this situation. I lose my voice.

I think he thinks I hate him. I don’t. I just don’t know how to initiate a conversation.

I am at a loss for words.

The universe was sending in some signs. Today, I think the universe was pushing him to me. I can’t read him, but I get this vibe that he too wants to figure what the hell is wrong with me.

We catch public transport to and from work.

He normally waits on the other end of the platform catching the the train outbound from the city,

I take the train travelling inbound to the city. I normally wait for my train near the platform kiosk, or behind the kiosk. He normally waits on the opposite end to where I usually wait.

This time he was at his usual side of the platform waiting for his train, but on the end of the platform that I wait for my train. I find it unusual as he never heads to that end.

When he arrived to the platform, he walked straight to the kiosk, I took a glance back and I saw he wasn’t headed to his usual direction, it’s like he was heading towards me but chickened out.

Maybe I am overthinking it. Yesterday, I chickened out because we exited our work area at the same time and … I passed him and ran for the stairs….

I have opportunities and I am wasting them. I don’t how to overcome my insecurities.

 

tbc

December.

Plans. Social Events. A time for deeper reflection. Scattered thougts.

It’s just the start of the end of the year and I have had an odd year.

As much as I despise the job I am in at the moment, I feel that the nature of the job has toughened my skin and I don’t take much crap from people anymore. I will speak my mind if I find it necessary to.

I really do need to start budgeting properly.

I need to work on my mental health and work on my perspective.

I think I will let love and relationships a chance next year.

I wanted to write out something more reflective but I will

…continue on sometime

…progressively within this month

… sometime this month

…Hopefully.

Oh, there is a severe weather warning for the State of Victoria.

As per Hitchhiker’s Guide advises ‘DON’T PANIC!’ Stay safe fellow Victorians!

TBC

November.

Can you believe it’s almost the end of the year?

Somehow I am still feeling the same as last November. The politics have not improved in Australia and Donald Trump is still in President of the United States. I don’t even know where to begin with the sorry state of affairs of Politics to even discuss it, maybe I don’t have the full understanding of what is happening around the world and it was my goal to educate myself but knowing me, I don’t have the enthusiasm as I did at the beginning of the year. I finally got a job (that I really hate) that all I want to do as soon as I enter the house door, is eat chicken and watch netflix.

My life situation hasn’t improved even though  I have steady income flowing in (not great by the way but still a wage), other things keep propping up and I’m the type of person who is irrational and takes repetitions of words that it’s a message from the universe telling me things.

Or maybe my good friend/colleague has unleashed something from my subconscious that I have locked up for so long and it’s just made me more depressed because I admit I’m not single by choice and I never really thought much about until she kept talking about her love life and asking why I never thought about it.

So, now I’m stuck on being sad about something I considered unimportant for many years and it’s getting to me. Maybe, it’s due to my age and I feel like I am wasting time in every aspect of my life.

I am slowly trying to dress more ‘age’ appropriate, I feel like the fashion of today is too “young” for me and I need to start dressing more smart casual often and need to stop buying sneakers. I am not being taken seriously as an adult and I feel it’s because of the way I dress.

So, for the last few months I’ve been in “deep thought” about my personal life and how to “better” or “improve” myself physically. As much as I hate to admit this, but to a degree “looks do matter” and at the moment I am looking quite ugly and I feel ugly.

TBC

 

 

 

Springtime.

The weather is getting warmer. Apart from the allergies there is something that Springtime does to me that I dread.

It makes me feel feelings that I don’t want to feel and contemplate what the fuck I am doing with my life.

As you probably read in my last blog entry– my non-existent love life keeps propping up. I have this intense crush on a guy at work and it’s insanely bad it’s become more of an infatuation. I know his shadow, his walk and what he wears. It’s beginning to freak me out.

There are many options for me to handle this nonsense:

a) I need to gather the extra courage to speak to the guy and try flirt with him (that would be awkward because I don’t know how to do that).

b) If only Liquid Luck was real (this really isn’t an option but it sounds cool).

c) Get over this infatuation. MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

Yeah. I am never going to do option A, because I’m chicken shit. Option B is not a real thing (well, if alcohol was involved then I guess so but there is no setting where we’re in the same room and alcohol is involved) and Option C is what I am unsucessfully doing right now. It’s hardddddd…

It’s really distracting and the fact that I work in the same environment as he is. It’s becoming a discomfort at work.

I hate. FEELINGS.

 

 

My search for happiness.

The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘Happiness’ :

Happiness is the feeling you have when things give you pleasure and can be quite a lively feeling; contentment is a quieter feeling that you get when you have learned to find pleasure in things.

(Well I googled ‘Oxford Dictionary definition of Happiness’ and it provided the above.)

I will be frank with you now I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt happy.

I am fundamentally a pessimist. It’s just my nature and I need to adjust that.

I’m passive, timid and extremely negative. I’ve been called a buzzkill and I do identify that it needs to change.

I’ve questioned my happiness as long as I left highschool. My ENTER result still wounds me today, the trauma and the feelings of failure. It haunts me. I have regrets and my life is pretty much a cul-de-sac.

I have a job that is slowly becoming a toxic environment. I have no option currently, but to stay there because I haven’t really stayed in a job (that actually has proper references and upskill you ) for more than 4 months and I can’t afford to mess it up because I am chained to boulder called ‘adulthood’ with bills to pay and I need something on my resume indicating that I can be trusted working in a workplace for longer than 6 months.

Then a workmate she keeps bringing love life up and it just unleashed the long dormant non-existent-lovelife-kraken and how much I have suppressed that beast namely called  the ‘forever alone’ kraken and how I have been masking it with ‘I love my independence’ spray (which is partially true) and deep down inside I do crave that intimacy but I’m too chicken shit to open up to another person. Because I’m this sscrawny, 27 year old that’s never really been hit on by a guy (and Gerard Way lookalike doesn’t count because I actively pursued the guy and I think him dating me was him being nice).

I don’t know what I want in life and what will make me happy.

 

 

 

Note: July 21.

As I lie here in my bed typing whatever comes to mind, it’s the wee hours of the morning and I have a shift later in normal people hours and I want to sleep but I can’t. “It’s the damn coffees I had”. Funny, that the coffee kicks in after your shift ends and it’s a never ending cycle and I wake up late, speed walking like a mas woman aiming to get to the station within 7 minutes (when for a normal person it takes 10 to 15 minutes) and 85% of the time hop on the train before it’s scheduled departure. The truth as to why I am a fast walker is because I’m constantly always in a rush because I’m naturally a last minute person. My punctuality flew out of the window after highschool.

It’s seven months in and I am still at the job that I don’t even really like but who likes their job? It makes ends meet and I really should not complain. The reason why I am still at the job is because my workmates keep me sane. The nature of the job sucks that it’s blackened my soul, I now lack the words to sound more “empathetic”. Empathy is one of my most hated words.

It’s winter, whilst I like the cold weather because I like to rug up, the negative side to it is my mood is altered and I probably have seasonal affective disorder.

I need to read books but lack the motivation to stare at words and become invested in a story.

My plans for living frugally went out the door, but I need to review my yearly plans. SAVE SAVE SAVE. For my dental and also I do plan a trip to the US of A next year. I initially wanted to go with a friend but seeing that we’re not going eye to eye with some plans, I think I might go it alone or find someone to go with me.

Just ran out of words to include.

Until next time…

Everyone has a story. My one is a mundane one. But I will record. (When I can be bothered. Sorry for the long title)

What my week consisted of;

Whine.

Wine.

Cheese and watercress crackers.

wine.

kabana bites.

decaf coffee.

actual caffeinated coffee.

abuse from people on the other line, calling me every bad word out of urban dictionary.

The alcohol abuse happened after work… every night.

James Comey updates about him trying to blend with the blue White House curtains.

Another week of work begins and I’m looking forward to Tuesday and Wednesday because I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF and I’m going to go to the Van Gogh exhibition on Tuesday! (YAY)