Note: July 21.

As I lie here in my bed typing whatever comes to mind, it’s the wee hours of the morning and I have a shift later in normal people hours and I want to sleep but I can’t. “It’s the damn coffees I had”. Funny, that the coffee kicks in after your shift ends and it’s a never ending cycle and I wake up late, speed walking like a mas woman aiming to get to the station within 7 minutes (when for a normal person it takes 10 to 15 minutes) and 85% of the time hop on the train before it’s scheduled departure. The truth as to why I am a fast walker is because I’m constantly always in a rush because I’m naturally a last minute person. My punctuality flew out of the window after highschool.

It’s seven months in and I am still at the job that I don’t even really like but who likes their job? It makes ends meet and I really should not complain. The reason why I am still at the job is because my workmates keep me sane. The nature of the job sucks that it’s blackened my soul, I now lack the words to sound more “empathetic”. Empathy is one of my most hated words.

It’s winter, whilst I like the cold weather because I like to rug up, the negative side to it is my mood is altered and I probably have seasonal affective disorder.

I need to read books but lack the motivation to stare at words and become invested in a story.

My plans for living frugally went out the door, but I need to review my yearly plans. SAVE SAVE SAVE. For my dental and also I do plan a trip to the US of A next year. I initially wanted to go with a friend but seeing that we’re not going eye to eye with some plans, I think I might go it alone or find someone to go with me.

Just ran out of words to include.

Until next time…

Everyone has a story. My one is a mundane one. But I will record. (When I can be bothered. Sorry for the long title)

What my week consisted of;

Whine.

Wine.

Cheese and watercress crackers.

wine.

kabana bites.

decaf coffee.

actual caffeinated coffee.

abuse from people on the other line, calling me every bad word out of urban dictionary.

The alcohol abuse happened after work… every night.

James Comey updates about him trying to blend with the blue White House curtains.

Another week of work begins and I’m looking forward to Tuesday and Wednesday because I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF and I’m going to go to the Van Gogh exhibition on Tuesday! (YAY)

 

 

Life Complaint. May edition.

I will admit while I have a job that I do not particularly enjoy, a job is a job is a job is a job. It’s something that pays the bills and buys the necessities in life.

I often find myself bored. I’m not productive. I can go clean the house, but I do not because I’m not in the mood or I’m simply just lazy. Buying material goods does not make me happy. I’ve found no joy in any new clothing I buy or whatever and I don’t know what I want anymore. Material possessions do not fascinate me. I think often, the more I buy the less space I have, the more junk I accumulate and then there is more rubbish that clutter and pollutes the world.   I often find myself thinking, reflecting, why I am not in the mood to watch netflix, normal television, watch or participate in sport. I feel no passion. I feel bored. I can’t even be bothered reading.

What is wrong with me?

 

 

The routine.

I come home pretty brain dead.

That has become the routine.

Every morning, I wake up and have a mini-crisis. Arguing with myself ‘Should I bother to go into work?’. The job is that depressing I am already having to argue with myself to get my body to march out of my room and get ready for work and it’s just 3 months.

So, I switch my smartphone’s wi-fi and “ding ding ding! news alert and someone from the US Administration has said something stupid, or when it comes to domestic politics, Pauline Hanson is being the typical populist fool that she is.

Then when I get to work, one look at my seat and comaraderie is knocked out of us, as my workmates in the kitchen realise it’s time to enter the office and in single file our smiles turn upside down.

I log in, look at my schedule and anticipate the end of my shift.

After work ends, I hop on the train and commute home.  By the time I get home, I feel like I’ve wasted a day and can’t really do anything, just spend two hours eating late dinner and tv shows.

 

 

 

 

It’s draining my soul.

I don’t want to go into much details about my employment. At the moment all or what I can comment about my current job is that it is so demoralising.

It’s draining my soul. Teammates are applying for jobs, planning to quit and I’m following suit because I do not enjoy what I am doing.

The workplace environment is great, the people are great, the facilities are great but the job itself? I rather clean hot bainmaries in 40 degree heat.

I have never ever had a panic attack at work. There was an occassion when I was reduced to tears. I tried holding it back and I just had a meltdown.

In my employment history I’ve never ever been bothered by something that it made me cry. It happened in this job and I just over it. Every morning, I look at my schedule, waiting for the day to end.

Lately, I haven’t been able to draft anything for this blog because I come home so damn tired not wanting to think about anything and just crash on the couch, switch on Netflix and just watch a mindless action movie.

Until next time.

untitled

My last post was just two weeks ago and I haven’t really had time to reflect and blog.

There has been so much going on in the world, I don’t know where to start. I want to express my thoughts on what has been happening globally but I am dead tired and when the time comes I quite frankly cannot be bothered drafting something. Maybe, I should bring my little notebook on the train and start writing passages and just post photos of those scribbles  of incoherent thoughts (I’m just too damn lazy).

The new job stresses me out, I actually had an anxiety attack today. No one noticed, I’ve never had an anxiety attack since my final VCE exams, this happened 10 minutes before my lunch break was going to end, I was hyperventilating, it was that bad. I was really horrified of entering the room.

Once I finished off work, I popped on over to my friends work place, only to remember she had a job interview at another place, I ended up buying ‘Born a Crime’ by Trevor Noah but was too braindead, ended up napping on the train ride home.

I think I need time for myself to let my brain relax.

 

My reflections on the past few days

These past couple of days have been intense.

Last Friday, a horrible thing happened in my beloved city of Melbourne, I posted briefly about it a few days ago and now I feel ready to give my full thoughts on this.

A sick man, who was suffering a drug-induced psychosis decided to recklessly endanger the people of Melbourne because he was angry that he was being followed by the police.

In the earlier hours of Friday morning, it started when he was refused entry into a bar in St Kilda, he also stole his neighbours car after beating him up, he stabbed his younger brother and threatened the life of his mother and his pregnant girlfriend. He took his pregnant girlfriend hostage, who was trapped in the car for almost four hours until police surrounded them, she quickly ran for her life at the Bolte Bridge, then the city thing happened.  You can read the timeline The Age published.

Things like this never occur in my city. It sent shockwaves, people paused as news travelled throughout the State of Victoria and I guess, the nation. It was bizarre because  it occured in broad daylight,  in front of thousands of people during the lunch peak and in the heart of the city. He did burnouts  stopped people in their tracks and attention, it was him against the world. Ranting and raving. Scaring the beejezus out of everyone and then he went on his rampage.

I had loved ones working in the city that day and two of them both work near or on Bourke St. My niece and nephew could have lost a mother had my sister decided/gone to eat out that day, she did not. My brother-in-law could have lost his mother, but fortunately she was not on break. Those two children, the 10 year old girl and that infant boy could have easily been my niece and nephew.

A vigil was held  earlier in the evening at 5:30 at Federation Square. I just made it in time to listen to the speeches until its end. It was a hot sweltering day and I withstood the heat because I wanted to pay my respects for the injured and the dead. Just because I wasn’t there on the day, it happened so close to home, I felt the need to visit the sites.

After the vigil, I quickly made my way to GPO, to pay my respects there and was instantly moved by the silent, sombre crowd. I too, had decided to buy flowers and placed a origami crane amongst the flowers. This was the first time I’ve done this because it was necessary. With everything else going on in the world, from the passionate Women’s March against Trump happening all over the globe on the weekend, the depressing realisation that Trump is officially the President of the United States . I finally felt the need to do something.  I am sad, worried and weary for the world and I am deeply sad for what has happened in Melbourne.

Henry Dow, a Law student, who was on scene when it happened instinctively aided the injured with the help of taxi driver, Lou.

Their was no evil on Bourke street yesterday; one sick young man did a terrible thing, and hundreds responded with the love and sense of community that makes Melbourne such a beautiful city, and Victoria such a great State.

And that is true, we expressed our dismay, anger and disappointment but our thoughts were with the victims and they needed our love and support (Please read this moving Facebook Status of his)

As our Lord Mayor Robert Doyle said:

Melbourne is our home. When it happens to one of us, it happens to all of us

It hurt us profoundly.

Please let it be known that this man who committed these acts was in a drug-induced psychosis. This was not a planned terror attack in the name of religion and don’t use this as an excuse to attack a certain religion. This was a spur of the moment reckless decision of a person who  was high on crystal meth, trying to escape from VICPOL. Please don’t think I am dismissing his actions, I am not. What he did was horrible and he IS clearly a danger to society. When the time comes and he feels genuine remorse and realises the errors of his ways, that is a great burden and punishment already, he has alienated himself from friends and family, he will be forever known as the guy that killed 5 people, 2 of which were children and injured over 25 people. If he does not feel remorse, he deserves to be incarcerated until he dies, my sympathy is limited there.

I hope that the State of Victoria review and amend the laws regarding crime and punishment and fund mental health services because this could have easily been prevented.

My thoughts and prayers go to the deceased and injured victims and their families.

Rest in Peace:

Baby Zachary

Thalia Hakin

Matthew Si

Jess Mudie

Unnamed Japanese Man

 

Until next time.

HP