F!@king February.

I chose the above title “Fucking February” as I am exclaiming it in anger and joy (?). I’ve had an odd February. It ‘s still the beginning yet, it feels like it’s about to be over and so much has occurred in a span of 13 days.

I’ve had ups-and-downs regarding my current work place. News of importance and massive inconvenience came around the first week of February and put a dent on my plans for the year. I can’t disclose too much but the client reneged on their contact with the company I work for. This news or rather decision and situation has placed all my colleagues (including me) under a cloud of uncertainty. Apparently, the company plan to keep the many agents working that contract, but like everything, it’s not confirmed and I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

Funnily enough, my teammates thought I would have a mental breakdown due the announcement because they think of me so serious and concentrated. Once I found out about the situation, I thought it to be a complete farce given the nature of the job and what I do on a day to day basis there. Instead, of having a mental breakdown I saw it in as a window of opportunity.

Upon reflection, I decided it’s not a stable place to work at my current workplace and  I do not want to be in the situation of becoming unemployed again. Whilst, I hate (but tolerated) the job, I was naive to think that it would provide me that stability I long craved for. I decided post-announcement, it was time to take action and actively seek other employment. I am not going to twiddle my fingers until they assign me to another contract. It’s not guaranteed, I do not like uncertainty and being screwed over.

Seeking new employment wasn’t on my plans for the beginning of the year, however, if you know by my previous blog entries, I’m a person who believes in signs.

Prior to the announcement, I was working the weekend and had the vibe to look at SEEK for jobs whilst at work. For me to go browse a job seeking website at work is very unusual for me. It means the job has broken me.

Next day, the news broke out.

The day after the news broke out , I was on a rostered day off and my horoscope of the day communicated a very clear message that it was time for me to look elsewhere.

The universe was loud and clear on this aspect of my life. Time to move on!

Speaking of the universe, whilst the message regarding the job is loud and clear, I still can’t understand why a certain individuals name keeps popping up. I see his name everywhere and I don’t know what it’s all about.

No messages attached to it. It’s starting to annoy me because I don’t know how to proceed or what to do. I am confused am I to pursue or am I not. I don’t know why I keep seeing his name.

It’s just 13 days in February. I applied for one job and got a response that NEVER happens to me.

Now lets just wait and see.

Until next time.

New Year.

I was hoping that the New Year would miraculously cure my summer cold overnight and of course, that didn’t happen.

I planned for the New Month– to focus on my stats at work so I could score extra money, but I am likely going to have to call in work sick which will ruin my attendance share of the monthly incentive.

It’s a ridiculous kind of situation to be in, when you had a plan to improve KPI’s and something goes wrong. I just can’t take it seriously, me being sick all of sudden has fucked up my month and all I can do is … laugh. A year ago, I would have been freaking out. Now, I just take it as it is. I’ll rock up to work and see whether I get sent home.

So, New Year’s Resolutions? I don’t like to admit that I do have a list but I only really ever ticked 1 out of the many (last years’ reso) I have listed as ‘done’

Of course, there is nothing wrong with setting goals for the year. Some people have a strong will in achieving them. I am not one of those people.

These were the few last year (below):

  • Minimalism. I failed miserably
  • Exercising. I lasted a week
  • Quitting Bubbletea. Yeah, right, I’m a caffeine addict and I had a cup yesterday night. It was delicious.

The exception, every new year I want to become a better version of myself. I saw little change, but still, it was quite significant. I am more “assertive”. I think this is due to having a job and the requirement is  to speak to other human beings (the exception, the guy I have a massive crush on/still cannot talk to him– I feel like I’m back in highschool).

I guess, for 2018 my aim is my Finances. This is tied to many things because I have a mortgage, I plan to improve my mental and physical health and I am going on a trip to Hawaii mid-year. I need moola. So, I need to set aside some money per month.

Love life? I don’t have one to begin with but the universe seems to want me to confront it. Whether it’s my female workmates just constantly talking about it and asking why I am single (?), my aunt and mum trying to set me up with some guy, my sister making snide remarks about non-existent dating life and then I keep seeing the same male name pop up everywhere. It’s driving me nuts, it’s to the point I can’t sweep those things under a mental rug because it’s pretty much 5 years of it.

Take life with a dash of humour. I felt that I was a little too serious last year and I need to relax. This means I need to make more an effort in socialising even if it drains my battery ( That actually conflicts with the finances but I will try make work).

I will have to start focusing on doing a month by month excel spreadsheet budget (which I should have been doing for a long time).

Instead of checking boxes…I will rate my performance. I will somehow formulate a rating metre.

Until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do I muster the courage to talk…

To him is painful.

Words don’t come out. I can’t look him in the eye. I want to talk to him but I am pretty much Ariel the mermaid in this situation. I lose my voice.

I think he thinks I hate him. I don’t. I just don’t know how to initiate a conversation.

I am at a loss for words.

The universe was sending in some signs. Today, I think the universe was pushing him to me. I can’t read him, but I get this vibe that he too wants to figure what the hell is wrong with me.

We catch public transport to and from work.

He normally waits on the other end of the platform catching the the train outbound from the city,

I take the train travelling inbound to the city. I normally wait for my train near the platform kiosk, or behind the kiosk. He normally waits on the opposite end to where I usually wait.

This time he was at his usual side of the platform waiting for his train, but on the end of the platform that I wait for my train. I find it unusual as he never heads to that end.

When he arrived to the platform, he walked straight to the kiosk, I took a glance back and I saw he wasn’t headed to his usual direction, it’s like he was heading towards me but chickened out.

Maybe I am overthinking it. Yesterday, I chickened out because we exited our work area at the same time and … I passed him and ran for the stairs….

I have opportunities and I am wasting them. I don’t how to overcome my insecurities.

 

tbc

December.

Plans. Social Events. A time for deeper reflection. Scattered thougts.

It’s just the start of the end of the year and I have had an odd year.

As much as I despise the job I am in at the moment, I feel that the nature of the job has toughened my skin and I don’t take much crap from people anymore. I will speak my mind if I find it necessary to.

I really do need to start budgeting properly.

I need to work on my mental health and work on my perspective.

I think I will let love and relationships a chance next year.

I wanted to write out something more reflective but I will

…continue on sometime

…progressively within this month

… sometime this month

…Hopefully.

Oh, there is a severe weather warning for the State of Victoria.

As per Hitchhiker’s Guide advises ‘DON’T PANIC!’ Stay safe fellow Victorians!

TBC

Springtime.

The weather is getting warmer. Apart from the allergies there is something that Springtime does to me that I dread.

It makes me feel feelings that I don’t want to feel and contemplate what the fuck I am doing with my life.

As you probably read in my last blog entry– my non-existent love life keeps propping up. I have this intense crush on a guy at work and it’s insanely bad it’s become more of an infatuation. I know his shadow, his walk and what he wears. It’s beginning to freak me out.

There are many options for me to handle this nonsense:

a) I need to gather the extra courage to speak to the guy and try flirt with him (that would be awkward because I don’t know how to do that).

b) If only Liquid Luck was real (this really isn’t an option but it sounds cool).

c) Get over this infatuation. MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

Yeah. I am never going to do option A, because I’m chicken shit. Option B is not a real thing (well, if alcohol was involved then I guess so but there is no setting where we’re in the same room and alcohol is involved) and Option C is what I am unsucessfully doing right now. It’s hardddddd…

It’s really distracting and the fact that I work in the same environment as he is. It’s becoming a discomfort at work.

I hate. FEELINGS.

 

 

My search for happiness.

The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘Happiness’ :

Happiness is the feeling you have when things give you pleasure and can be quite a lively feeling; contentment is a quieter feeling that you get when you have learned to find pleasure in things.

(Well I googled ‘Oxford Dictionary definition of Happiness’ and it provided the above.)

I will be frank with you now I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt happy.

I am fundamentally a pessimist. It’s just my nature and I need to adjust that.

I’m passive, timid and extremely negative. I’ve been called a buzzkill and I do identify that it needs to change.

I’ve questioned my happiness as long as I left highschool. My ENTER result still wounds me today, the trauma and the feelings of failure. It haunts me. I have regrets and my life is pretty much a cul-de-sac.

I have a job that is slowly becoming a toxic environment. I have no option currently, but to stay there because I haven’t really stayed in a job (that actually has proper references and upskill you ) for more than 4 months and I can’t afford to mess it up because I am chained to boulder called ‘adulthood’ with bills to pay and I need something on my resume indicating that I can be trusted working in a workplace for longer than 6 months.

Then a workmate she keeps bringing love life up and it just unleashed the long dormant non-existent-lovelife-kraken and how much I have suppressed that beast namely called  the ‘forever alone’ kraken and how I have been masking it with ‘I love my independence’ spray (which is partially true) and deep down inside I do crave that intimacy but I’m too chicken shit to open up to another person. Because I’m this sscrawny, 27 year old that’s never really been hit on by a guy (and Gerard Way lookalike doesn’t count because I actively pursued the guy and I think him dating me was him being nice).

I don’t know what I want in life and what will make me happy.

 

 

 

Thought of the day

Or rather, for the past week.

It won’t be lengthy, but here it is.

The response from the US, or rather, the decision Trump had made. I have these conflicting feelings about the US attack on the Syrian airbase.

I don’t understand why people are praising him for this decision. A necessary evil one might say, but I wouldn’t say praiseworthy.

Because if he is so horrified about the atrocities commited in Khan Sheikhoun why does he not let those who are fleeing the conflict enter US Soil?

As this Blake Hounshell of Politico Magazine described:

It’s a dizzying turnabout for a man who complained endlessly during the presidential campaign about the trillions the United States had wasted on wars in the Middle East—and who urged his predecessor in 2013 not to launch “stupid” airstrikes to punish Bashar Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people.

(Source: http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/04/trumps-syria-whiplash-214997)

And I share the exact same thoughts as Frank Bruni of the New York Times

And so two questions, loud and urgent: Why did he do this now? And, beyond that, who exactly is he?

What is his motives in all of this? How did he change his issues in one day? Will the pain he saw in the photographs change his mind on refugee and immigration issues?

There are so many questions.

The fact that he has been dishonest for the little things is the reason why people are questioning any good moves, because they can’t believe it, they are entirely conflicted that they don’t know how to accept that he did something that was necessary or the “right” thing -for lack of a better word.

I just can’t make up my mind on how to feel about this.

Until next time.