My search for happiness.

The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘Happiness’ :

Happiness is the feeling you have when things give you pleasure and can be quite a lively feeling; contentment is a quieter feeling that you get when you have learned to find pleasure in things.

(Well I googled ‘Oxford Dictionary definition of Happiness’ and it provided the above.)

I will be frank with you now I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt happy.

I am fundamentally a pessimist. It’s just my nature and I need to adjust that.

I’m passive, timid and extremely negative. I’ve been called a buzzkill and I do identify that it needs to change.

I’ve questioned my happiness as long as I left highschool. My ENTER result still wounds me today, the trauma and the feelings of failure. It haunts me. I have regrets and my life is pretty much a cul-de-sac.

I have a job that is slowly becoming a toxic environment. I have no option currently, but to stay there because I haven’t really stayed in a job (that actually has proper references and upskill you ) for more than 4 months and I can’t afford to mess it up because I am chained to boulder called ‘adulthood’ with bills to pay and I need something on my resume indicating that I can be trusted working in a workplace for longer than 6 months.

Then a workmate she keeps bringing love life up and it just unleashed the long dormant non-existent-lovelife-kraken and how much I have suppressed that beast namely called  the ‘forever alone’ kraken and how I have been masking it with ‘I love my independence’ spray (which is partially true) and deep down inside I do crave that intimacy but I’m too chicken shit to open up to another person. Because I’m this sscrawny, 27 year old that’s never really been hit on by a guy (and Gerard Way lookalike doesn’t count because I actively pursued the guy and I think him dating me was him being nice).

I don’t know what I want in life and what will make me happy.

 

 

 

Dear Chester Bennington, Rest In Peace.

The daily ritual kicked off as soon as the alarm went off, I turned on the wifi on my phone and checked the notifications.

One of my friends had a facebook status expressing their devastation of Chester Bennington  reported dead. The first time I saw it, I thought it was a hoax but when it got to three statuses of similar sentiment —It hit me.

It wasn’t a hoax …it was real.  I am sad, very sad about this.  His depression was well known, he had spoken about it t his troubled childhood and his depression in highschool. He as depressed and tt finally got to him, this time he couldn’t fight it this time.

I listened to Linkin Park in the early years of Highschool . My  middle child sister was a massive fan. It rubbed off on me and through the influence of older siblings, you tend to form habits. Linkin Park was the shiz then, because the songs spoke to us.

Chester’s voice, got me through highschool.The way he sung lyrics of the songs moved me, you could hear his pain and that feeling in his vocals got me through the worse times in those years of my life.

He was my first rock celebrity crush, his geekiness and WOW that voice .

The world lost a precious soul with a precious voice.

I’m incredibly saddened by this. This is all I can say… that I’m incredibly sad about this.

I’m all choked up that I can’t even string coherent sentences and spell properly.

 

 

 

Everyone has a story. My one is a mundane one. But I will record. (When I can be bothered. Sorry for the long title)

What my week consisted of;

Whine.

Wine.

Cheese and watercress crackers.

wine.

kabana bites.

decaf coffee.

actual caffeinated coffee.

abuse from people on the other line, calling me every bad word out of urban dictionary.

The alcohol abuse happened after work… every night.

James Comey updates about him trying to blend with the blue White House curtains.

Another week of work begins and I’m looking forward to Tuesday and Wednesday because I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF and I’m going to go to the Van Gogh exhibition on Tuesday! (YAY)

 

 

Laugh of the Day

I couldn’t help but laugh when I was slacking off during work, and I checked news websites and a headline that went something along the lines like ‘Comey tried to blend in with the Curtains’. I could not help but laugh at headlines like that.

As Comey’s friend/acquaintance said in his Editorial https://lawfareblog.com/what-james-comey-told-me-about-donald-trump was simply quite… hilarious

“At the ceremony, Comey noticed that the curtains in the room were blue — the same color as his suit. So “he stood in the back, right in front of the drapes, hoping Trump wouldn’t notice him camouflaged against the wall.”

He was that desperate to try be invisible! For goodness sakes, the man is a giant. Of course he is noticeable!

 

Thought of the day

Or rather, for the past week.

It won’t be lengthy, but here it is.

The response from the US, or rather, the decision Trump had made. I have these conflicting feelings about the US attack on the Syrian airbase.

I don’t understand why people are praising him for this decision. A necessary evil one might say, but I wouldn’t say praiseworthy.

Because if he is so horrified about the atrocities commited in Khan Sheikhoun why does he not let those who are fleeing the conflict enter US Soil?

As this Blake Hounshell of Politico Magazine described:

It’s a dizzying turnabout for a man who complained endlessly during the presidential campaign about the trillions the United States had wasted on wars in the Middle East—and who urged his predecessor in 2013 not to launch “stupid” airstrikes to punish Bashar Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people.

(Source: http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/04/trumps-syria-whiplash-214997)

And I share the exact same thoughts as Frank Bruni of the New York Times

And so two questions, loud and urgent: Why did he do this now? And, beyond that, who exactly is he?

What is his motives in all of this? How did he change his issues in one day? Will the pain he saw in the photographs change his mind on refugee and immigration issues?

There are so many questions.

The fact that he has been dishonest for the little things is the reason why people are questioning any good moves, because they can’t believe it, they are entirely conflicted that they don’t know how to accept that he did something that was necessary or the “right” thing -for lack of a better word.

I just can’t make up my mind on how to feel about this.

Until next time.

 

The routine.

I come home pretty brain dead.

That has become the routine.

Every morning, I wake up and have a mini-crisis. Arguing with myself ‘Should I bother to go into work?’. The job is that depressing I am already having to argue with myself to get my body to march out of my room and get ready for work and it’s just 3 months.

So, I switch my smartphone’s wi-fi and “ding ding ding! news alert and someone from the US Administration has said something stupid, or when it comes to domestic politics, Pauline Hanson is being the typical populist fool that she is.

Then when I get to work, one look at my seat and comaraderie is knocked out of us, as my workmates in the kitchen realise it’s time to enter the office and in single file our smiles turn upside down.

I log in, look at my schedule and anticipate the end of my shift.

After work ends, I hop on the train and commute home.  By the time I get home, I feel like I’ve wasted a day and can’t really do anything, just spend two hours eating late dinner and tv shows.