Plans. Social Events. A time for deeper reflection. Scattered thougts.
It’s just the start of the end of the year and I have had an odd year.
As much as I despise the job I am in at the moment, I feel that the nature of the job has toughened my skin and I don’t take much crap from people anymore. I will speak my mind if I find it necessary to.
I really do need to start budgeting properly.
I need to work on my mental health and work on my perspective.
I think I will let love and relationships a chance next year.
I wanted to write out something more reflective but I will
…continue on sometime
…progressively within this month
… sometime this month
Oh, there is a severe weather warning for the State of Victoria.
As per Hitchhiker’s Guide advises ‘DON’T PANIC!’ Stay safe fellow Victorians!
Can you believe it’s almost the end of the year?
Somehow I am still feeling the same as last November. The politics have not improved in Australia and Donald Trump is still in President of the United States. I don’t even know where to begin with the sorry state of affairs of Politics to even discuss it, maybe I don’t have the full understanding of what is happening around the world and it was my goal to educate myself but knowing me, I don’t have the enthusiasm as I did at the beginning of the year. I finally got a job (that I really hate) that all I want to do as soon as I enter the house door, is eat chicken and watch netflix.
My life situation hasn’t improved even though I have steady income flowing in (not great by the way but still a wage), other things keep propping up and I’m the type of person who is irrational and takes repetitions of words that it’s a message from the universe telling me things.
Or maybe my good friend/colleague has unleashed something from my subconscious that I have locked up for so long and it’s just made me more depressed because I admit I’m not single by choice and I never really thought much about until she kept talking about her love life and asking why I never thought about it.
So, now I’m stuck on being sad about something I considered unimportant for many years and it’s getting to me. Maybe, it’s due to my age and I feel like I am wasting time in every aspect of my life.
I am slowly trying to dress more ‘age’ appropriate, I feel like the fashion of today is too “young” for me and I need to start dressing more smart casual often and need to stop buying sneakers. I am not being taken seriously as an adult and I feel it’s because of the way I dress.
So, for the last few months I’ve been in “deep thought” about my personal life and how to “better” or “improve” myself physically. As much as I hate to admit this, but to a degree “looks do matter” and at the moment I am looking quite ugly and I feel ugly.
The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘Happiness’ :
Happiness is the feeling you have when things give you pleasure and can be quite a lively feeling; contentment is a quieter feeling that you get when you have learned to find pleasure in things.
(Well I googled ‘Oxford Dictionary definition of Happiness’ and it provided the above.)
I will be frank with you now I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt happy.
I am fundamentally a pessimist. It’s just my nature and I need to adjust that.
I’m passive, timid and extremely negative. I’ve been called a buzzkill and I do identify that it needs to change.
I’ve questioned my happiness as long as I left highschool. My ENTER result still wounds me today, the trauma and the feelings of failure. It haunts me. I have regrets and my life is pretty much a cul-de-sac.
I have a job that is slowly becoming a toxic environment. I have no option currently, but to stay there because I haven’t really stayed in a job (that actually has proper references and upskill you ) for more than 4 months and I can’t afford to mess it up because I am chained to boulder called ‘adulthood’ with bills to pay and I need something on my resume indicating that I can be trusted working in a workplace for longer than 6 months.
Then a workmate she keeps bringing love life up and it just unleashed the long dormant non-existent-lovelife-kraken and how much I have suppressed that beast namely called the ‘forever alone’ kraken and how I have been masking it with ‘I love my independence’ spray (which is partially true) and deep down inside I do crave that intimacy but I’m too chicken shit to open up to another person. Because I’m this sscrawny, 27 year old that’s never really been hit on by a guy (and Gerard Way lookalike doesn’t count because I actively pursued the guy and I think him dating me was him being nice).
I don’t know what I want in life and what will make me happy.
(photo not mine)
I was surprisingly cheery.
I’m never cheery on a Monday.
Monday is the day when the new cycle of work starts and I’m always grumpy. Today, I wasn’t grumpy.
I don’t know why and it’s starting to freak me out!
The daily ritual kicked off as soon as the alarm went off, I turned on the wifi on my phone and checked the notifications.
One of my friends had a facebook status expressing their devastation of Chester Bennington reported dead. The first time I saw it, I thought it was a hoax but when it got to three statuses of similar sentiment —It hit me.
It wasn’t a hoax …it was real. I am sad, very sad about this. His depression was well known, he had spoken about it t his troubled childhood and his depression in highschool. He as depressed and tt finally got to him, this time he couldn’t fight it this time.
I listened to Linkin Park in the early years of Highschool . My middle child sister was a massive fan. It rubbed off on me and through the influence of older siblings, you tend to form habits. Linkin Park was the shiz then, because the songs spoke to us.
Chester’s voice, got me through highschool.The way he sung lyrics of the songs moved me, you could hear his pain and that feeling in his vocals got me through the worse times in those years of my life.
He was my first rock celebrity crush, his geekiness and WOW that voice .
The world lost a precious soul with a precious voice.
I’m incredibly saddened by this. This is all I can say… that I’m incredibly sad about this.
I’m all choked up that I can’t even string coherent sentences and spell properly.
What my week consisted of;
Cheese and watercress crackers.
actual caffeinated coffee.
abuse from people on the other line, calling me every bad word out of urban dictionary.
The alcohol abuse happened after work… every night.
James Comey updates about him trying to blend with the blue White House curtains.
Another week of work begins and I’m looking forward to Tuesday and Wednesday because I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF and I’m going to go to the Van Gogh exhibition on Tuesday! (YAY)
I couldn’t help but laugh when I was slacking off during work, and I checked news websites and a headline that went something along the lines like ‘Comey tried to blend in with the Curtains’. I could not help but laugh at headlines like that.
As Comey’s friend/acquaintance said in his Editorial https://lawfareblog.com/what-james-comey-told-me-about-donald-trump was simply quite… hilarious
“At the ceremony, Comey noticed that the curtains in the room were blue — the same color as his suit. So “he stood in the back, right in front of the drapes, hoping Trump wouldn’t notice him camouflaged against the wall.”
He was that desperate to try be invisible! For goodness sakes, the man is a giant. Of course he is noticeable!