14 May 2018

The truth is…

I haven’t been feeling mentally well these past few months. I have moments when my insecurities are getting the best of me. It has been an internal struggle.

I HAVE NO love in my life and when the topic comes up, the gates shut. It’s a sensitive topic and I shut down a conversation when it comes up because I will burst out crying on the spot if someone asks me how I truly feel.

I just found out that the man that I have been infatuated with for an entire year and a half is taken. I am angry at myself that I still am attracted to him and want him. I move on then I see him and I relapse… it is an ongoing vicious cycle. I don’t know why I am drawn to him only. There are other more attractive men at work.

I see his name everywhere. I thought the universe would stop, but even if it’s confirmed he is taken I see his name everywhere. It makes me sad.

Dark Period of this year

Things have not gone well so far folks.

Summer has ended and has entered Autumn (by the way, my favourite season of the year) but my life has taken a sudden dark turn. I can’t disclose too much information but I feel like I have betrayed a friend at work. Can’t disclose any details,…. but I feel like I might be (below).

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I will just have to wait and see this coming week.

Other than that, in my pursuit of love (or lack of), my mind decided ‘no’ (my heart said ‘yes’). Word has it the guy that I have been crushing for a year is taken. It definitely defined the boundary (confirmation that he is indeed untouchable). Part of me is relieved, part of me is actually very sad. I’ve been crushing a not-single guy for an entire year. I feel like a fool because how dare I be attracted to a guy that is about to get married?

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It’s a punch in the face.

Worst still, his name is still popping up everywhere. I don’t know what that is about.

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I haven’t had a good week and I feel like it’s going to get worse.

Until next time.

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What in the…

I am trying to convince myself that’s it’s all in my head.

I had desired him, but wish not to.

His name just comes up every day. I have said, his name was never a common name in my life time.

I am drawn to things that make me encounter his name.

Be it news articles, movies and even at work.

I said ‘no’ to the universe, but his name still pops up.

It’s driving me insane.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the universe is telling me.

 

 

The void, the darkness. Call it whatever you want.

I’m going through one of those periods where I want to lock myself in the room and never see the light of day again.

I’m feeling sad, anxious, self-conscious and just plain moody.

It’s a combination of many things that have triggered this response. Add to the fact that it’s the time of the month which just makes it even worse.

The more I try explain it to people the more they do not understand how I am. There are only two people in my life who have a slight understanding what I am going through because they have or are going through it.

I am prone to outbursts when I can’t conceal it well.

This feeling of emptiness, whilst I am emotionally fragile and I do feel things but I don’t. I don’t know how to put it in words.

 

 

 

Must be the Moon

This is odd (even?) Second post of the month and new year. This is a new record. Realistically speaking, it’s not going to be like this everyday. I just came home early from work and actually had a lot of time to spare. I watched a bit of Season 2 of Cable Girls but stopped half way an episode because I am not in the mood to watch anything and decided to blog.

I am feeling quite content so far. I don’t know how to fully describe it but I am feeling upbeat or receiving good vibes. It’s an odd feeling because I rarely feel like this. I think it MUST BE THE MOON.

I scored 100% for my first Quality Assurance for the of the month (and year) and what’s hilarious is that I used a stock standard template and tweaked it a bit. I shouldn’t complain. I’ll take the score. It’s just hilarious because I’ve failed before using the same template. ‘Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be’

I came into work today and they were pretty flexible with keeping me on even if I am/was sick (many people were away you see). In the past, people were sent home if they could not use their voice. My voice was that bad, but they were lenient and switched me to emails for the entire day and I am thankful for that. My voice, I believe has recovered back to 85%  to normal and I can resume to take calls tomorrow.

Whilst my throat is on recovery, I drank a lot of water to ease the dryness/soreness and it was that bad today, I ended up drinking almost two litres of water. A lot of pee breaks I must say, but there are the positives.  I can say my lips are to the point of becoming smooth like a baby. I need to get back to the habit of drinking water regularly. After one day, my skin has also improved. My aim is to reduce my Coca Cola and soft drink consumption. The only caffeine I can indulge in is coffee and tea.

I normally prefer to take the later shifts, but because the kiddies are on summer holidays, public transport is bearable (even though majority of the time will be replacement buses). I find it easier to wake up earlier in the morning and getting to work on time. I do find a difference and understand why my workmates prefer the earlier shift. I got home and ended having spare time and just spent it eating dinner, watching half an episode of Cable Girls and taking a nap.

There is nothing more I can type about apart from remembering I didn’t prepare any lunch for tomorrow.

Note to self: Prepare lunch for work every night. Avoid buying lunch.

That’s it for today. Until next time.

 

The last day of 2017

I don’t want to make this an essay but it might end up as an essay (a very badly structured essay— or rather reflective piece).

Normally, a Netflix movie would be on in the background and I’d be having a glass of wine whilst typing this. Actually, I planned to stay at a friends house, eating cheese and drinking many glasses of wine but we’re both sick due to the fucking temperamental weather.

It’s not going to be a great 2018 because obviously, I’m sick (Summer flu).  This sickness that came about on the  28 Thursday December 2017 will roll over to the new year. I have a stuffy nose, my throat feels like fucking sandpaper… and HAHAHA, for a person who is employed to answer phone calls, I’ve lost my voice temporarily! I have to be back at work on Tuesday and I can’t afford to miss work!

I will be honest, I didn’t keep track of my year because apart from staying in a job for an entire year (that’s a milestone for my personal record). It was a blur. Also, this blog turned out to be something I didn’t intend it to be, and now it’s just my personal bitch about life online diary. ( Note to self: I have to update the intention of this blog).

So, the start of 2018 will consist of myself nursing my throat and it is not looking good!

What happened this year (2017) for me?

All I remember  (below, not in event order):

  • James Comey hearing
  • James Comey trying to camouflage himself with the Blue White House curtains.
  • Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s leaked telephone transcript with Donald Trump
  • My bestfriend gave birth to an adorable daughter with fabulous hair.
  • Sean Spicer Resignation
  • Anthony Scaramucci getting fired.
  • Updates and policies at work, changing every 2 weeks, now it’s every one week and a half.

The realisations and changes that happened to me (profoundly altered me personally)

  • The job has made me dead inside
  • I am more blunt
  • I now hold a grudge with a passion, I am less tolerant and impatient. Fundamentally, I have never been confrontational and straight with my wrath and vengeance. My wrath and vengeance is silent… I do that behind the scenes.
  • Me being interested in somebody for the first time since 2013
  • Me being chicken and not being able to say a simple ‘hello’ to that certain guy (I need to work on that)
  • I really want to (f!@#k) that guy
  • I made some new friends
  • I realised I need to see a shrink asap

That was pretty much it

However, I have a month and a half to improve the start of the year. Not to worry much ! Friday 16th February 2018 is my do-over New Year because it’s Lunar New Year, which I take a touch more seriously.

Any resolutions? LOL. Yeah. I need to make a vision board. That’s all.

I will take on 2018 humbly!

 

December.

Plans. Social Events. A time for deeper reflection. Scattered thougts.

It’s just the start of the end of the year and I have had an odd year.

As much as I despise the job I am in at the moment, I feel that the nature of the job has toughened my skin and I don’t take much crap from people anymore. I will speak my mind if I find it necessary to.

I really do need to start budgeting properly.

I need to work on my mental health and work on my perspective.

I think I will let love and relationships a chance next year.

I wanted to write out something more reflective but I will

…continue on sometime

…progressively within this month

… sometime this month

…Hopefully.

Oh, there is a severe weather warning for the State of Victoria.

As per Hitchhiker’s Guide advises ‘DON’T PANIC!’ Stay safe fellow Victorians!

TBC