My search for happiness.

The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘Happiness’ :

Happiness is the feeling you have when things give you pleasure and can be quite a lively feeling; contentment is a quieter feeling that you get when you have learned to find pleasure in things.

(Well I googled ‘Oxford Dictionary definition of Happiness’ and it provided the above.)

I will be frank with you now I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt happy.

I am fundamentally a pessimist. It’s just my nature and I need to adjust that.

I’m passive, timid and extremely negative. I’ve been called a buzzkill and I do identify that it needs to change.

I’ve questioned my happiness as long as I left highschool. My ENTER result still wounds me today, the trauma and the feelings of failure. It haunts me. I have regrets and my life is pretty much a cul-de-sac.

I have a job that is slowly becoming a toxic environment. I have no option currently, but to stay there because I haven’t really stayed in a job (that actually has proper references and upskill you ) for more than 4 months and I can’t afford to mess it up because I am chained to boulder called ‘adulthood’ with bills to pay and I need something on my resume indicating that I can be trusted working in a workplace for longer than 6 months.

Then a workmate she keeps bringing love life up and it just unleashed the long dormant non-existent-lovelife-kraken and how much I have suppressed that beast namely called  the ‘forever alone’ kraken and how I have been masking it with ‘I love my independence’ spray (which is partially true) and deep down inside I do crave that intimacy but I’m too chicken shit to open up to another person. Because I’m this sscrawny, 27 year old that’s never really been hit on by a guy (and Gerard Way lookalike doesn’t count because I actively pursued the guy and I think him dating me was him being nice).

I don’t know what I want in life and what will make me happy.

 

 

 

Everyone has a story. My one is a mundane one. But I will record. (When I can be bothered. Sorry for the long title)

What my week consisted of;

Whine.

Wine.

Cheese and watercress crackers.

wine.

kabana bites.

decaf coffee.

actual caffeinated coffee.

abuse from people on the other line, calling me every bad word out of urban dictionary.

The alcohol abuse happened after work… every night.

James Comey updates about him trying to blend with the blue White House curtains.

Another week of work begins and I’m looking forward to Tuesday and Wednesday because I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF and I’m going to go to the Van Gogh exhibition on Tuesday! (YAY)

 

 

Laugh of the Day

I couldn’t help but laugh when I was slacking off during work, and I checked news websites and a headline that went something along the lines like ‘Comey tried to blend in with the Curtains’. I could not help but laugh at headlines like that.

As Comey’s friend/acquaintance said in his Editorial https://lawfareblog.com/what-james-comey-told-me-about-donald-trump was simply quite… hilarious

“At the ceremony, Comey noticed that the curtains in the room were blue — the same color as his suit. So “he stood in the back, right in front of the drapes, hoping Trump wouldn’t notice him camouflaged against the wall.”

He was that desperate to try be invisible! For goodness sakes, the man is a giant. Of course he is noticeable!

 

Thoughts on the “remake/reboot” of ‘Journey to the West’ or rather ‘Monkey’

Normally, I don’t get into the whole whitewashing conversation of POC characters in western films because some asian films can be remade and adapted to a western audience.  Also, most of the time I am wary about getting into rage-based identity politics but…

When I heard that ABC, TVNZ and Netflix were collaborating and doing a “remake” (I would call a tribute) of the 1970’s Japanese adaptation of the show ‘Monkey’, I was quite frankly, outraged.

Being Australian of the Asian variety, whilst I’m not fully chinese myself, I did grow up watching the multiple Chinese, Taiwanese and HK adaptations in Vietnamese dub.

Australian kids of East/South East Asian background are raised watching or at least knowing the story of ‘Journey to the West’. A chinese buddhist monk goes on a pilgrimage with his three disciples to collect the sacred scriptures from India.

When I saw the photo and the description of the ABC/TVNZ/Netflix adaptation, I didn’t see anything connecting to China. This story has some historical background. Xuansang is a real life 16th Century Monk who did go to India and collect scripture. Xuansang recorded his 17 year journey to India, which nine centuries later inspired Wu Cheng’en to write the ‘Journey to the West’ novel with supernatural elements.

If you can’t understand why Asians in the West (USA, UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand) are fucking angry over this, it’s because of the above, it has historical context.

I understand that this English Language ‘reboot’ series is not intended for an Eastern audience. In saying that, You would think the ABC and TVNZ take into account the outrage overseas with Scarlett Johansson and Emma Stone being cast for asian characters. Do they realise that there are Asian communities across Australia and New Zealand? Also, Asians are under-represented on local television and movies. I find it difficult to swallow what they have fed us. When it was announced that they were adapting this story, as soon as I saw the pictures of the cast,  I was disappointed and pissed off.

I still can’t get over it.

So, I went to the doctor’s and the doctor said

‘You had an anxiety attack.’

This was Thursday afternoon.

I had to cut work early because I felt really crap. I felt disorientated, couldn’t concentrate, massive headache, couldn’t stomach things down and thought I had caught something

Turns out, it was an anxiety/stress attack.

It started from Monday and worsened until Thursday and smack bang, I thought I had gastro.

I think I need a new job.

Thought of the day

Or rather, for the past week.

It won’t be lengthy, but here it is.

The response from the US, or rather, the decision Trump had made. I have these conflicting feelings about the US attack on the Syrian airbase.

I don’t understand why people are praising him for this decision. A necessary evil one might say, but I wouldn’t say praiseworthy.

Because if he is so horrified about the atrocities commited in Khan Sheikhoun why does he not let those who are fleeing the conflict enter US Soil?

As this Blake Hounshell of Politico Magazine described:

It’s a dizzying turnabout for a man who complained endlessly during the presidential campaign about the trillions the United States had wasted on wars in the Middle East—and who urged his predecessor in 2013 not to launch “stupid” airstrikes to punish Bashar Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people.

(Source: http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/04/trumps-syria-whiplash-214997)

And I share the exact same thoughts as Frank Bruni of the New York Times

And so two questions, loud and urgent: Why did he do this now? And, beyond that, who exactly is he?

What is his motives in all of this? How did he change his issues in one day? Will the pain he saw in the photographs change his mind on refugee and immigration issues?

There are so many questions.

The fact that he has been dishonest for the little things is the reason why people are questioning any good moves, because they can’t believe it, they are entirely conflicted that they don’t know how to accept that he did something that was necessary or the “right” thing -for lack of a better word.

I just can’t make up my mind on how to feel about this.

Until next time.