Signs? My head? Am I going crazy?

Whoever reads this blog is well aware that I have been infatuated or crushing this guy at work and it’s really hard for me to move on.

I keep seeing his name pop up a few times EVERYDAY. It’s become quite frequent for the past few months.

I do expect to answer calls and emails in response of what he has logged in our complaints database. . Lately, I’ve been responding to email replies from end users responding to his emails and that never really used to happen. When I take calls, I open complaints and he is the last person who handled that complaint.

My head believes I am overthinking it but now I don’t know. I’m confused.

My bestfriend thinks it’s the universe telling me something. I don’t know what to believe because … it’s just odd. His name is probably common, but it isn’t common in my life.

At the start of the year, I had a crush on another workmate and I never ever had his name popping up everywhere. I really liked the guy, wasn’t even shy to talk to him.  Eventually he left the job, we’re facebook friends but I’m over him.

This also did not happen to me 5 years ago, when I actually dated the guy. I had an intense crush on him too and I gave it ago. It didn’t work out and I was emotionally wounded but now I let that go and we’re facebook friends again and he’s happily in a relationship. Though, whilst crushing him. I NEVER SAW HIS NAME POP UP ANYWHERE.

But this guy, no matter how hard I try to ignore him or do anything to move on I KEEP SEEING HIS NAME EVERYWHERE.

What is it? I honestly need an explanation. Why do I keep seeing or hearing his name?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November.

Can you believe it’s almost the end of the year?

Somehow I am still feeling the same as last November. The politics have not improved in Australia and Donald Trump is still in President of the United States. I don’t even know where to begin with the sorry state of affairs of Politics to even discuss it, maybe I don’t have the full understanding of what is happening around the world and it was my goal to educate myself but knowing me, I don’t have the enthusiasm as I did at the beginning of the year. I finally got a job (that I really hate) that all I want to do as soon as I enter the house door, is eat chicken and watch netflix.

My life situation hasn’t improved even though  I have steady income flowing in (not great by the way but still a wage), other things keep propping up and I’m the type of person who is irrational and takes repetitions of words that it’s a message from the universe telling me things.

Or maybe my good friend/colleague has unleashed something from my subconscious that I have locked up for so long and it’s just made me more depressed because I admit I’m not single by choice and I never really thought much about until she kept talking about her love life and asking why I never thought about it.

So, now I’m stuck on being sad about something I considered unimportant for many years and it’s getting to me. Maybe, it’s due to my age and I feel like I am wasting time in every aspect of my life.

I am slowly trying to dress more ‘age’ appropriate, I feel like the fashion of today is too “young” for me and I need to start dressing more smart casual often and need to stop buying sneakers. I am not being taken seriously as an adult and I feel it’s because of the way I dress.

So, for the last few months I’ve been in “deep thought” about my personal life and how to “better” or “improve” myself physically. As much as I hate to admit this, but to a degree “looks do matter” and at the moment I am looking quite ugly and I feel ugly.

TBC

 

 

 

My search for happiness.

The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘Happiness’ :

Happiness is the feeling you have when things give you pleasure and can be quite a lively feeling; contentment is a quieter feeling that you get when you have learned to find pleasure in things.

(Well I googled ‘Oxford Dictionary definition of Happiness’ and it provided the above.)

I will be frank with you now I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt happy.

I am fundamentally a pessimist. It’s just my nature and I need to adjust that.

I’m passive, timid and extremely negative. I’ve been called a buzzkill and I do identify that it needs to change.

I’ve questioned my happiness as long as I left highschool. My ENTER result still wounds me today, the trauma and the feelings of failure. It haunts me. I have regrets and my life is pretty much a cul-de-sac.

I have a job that is slowly becoming a toxic environment. I have no option currently, but to stay there because I haven’t really stayed in a job (that actually has proper references and upskill you ) for more than 4 months and I can’t afford to mess it up because I am chained to boulder called ‘adulthood’ with bills to pay and I need something on my resume indicating that I can be trusted working in a workplace for longer than 6 months.

Then a workmate she keeps bringing love life up and it just unleashed the long dormant non-existent-lovelife-kraken and how much I have suppressed that beast namely called  the ‘forever alone’ kraken and how I have been masking it with ‘I love my independence’ spray (which is partially true) and deep down inside I do crave that intimacy but I’m too chicken shit to open up to another person. Because I’m this sscrawny, 27 year old that’s never really been hit on by a guy (and Gerard Way lookalike doesn’t count because I actively pursued the guy and I think him dating me was him being nice).

I don’t know what I want in life and what will make me happy.

 

 

 

Dear Chester Bennington, Rest In Peace.

The daily ritual kicked off as soon as the alarm went off, I turned on the wifi on my phone and checked the notifications.

One of my friends had a facebook status expressing their devastation of Chester Bennington  reported dead. The first time I saw it, I thought it was a hoax but when it got to three statuses of similar sentiment —It hit me.

It wasn’t a hoax …it was real.  I am sad, very sad about this.  His depression was well known, he had spoken about it t his troubled childhood and his depression in highschool. He as depressed and tt finally got to him, this time he couldn’t fight it this time.

I listened to Linkin Park in the early years of Highschool . My  middle child sister was a massive fan. It rubbed off on me and through the influence of older siblings, you tend to form habits. Linkin Park was the shiz then, because the songs spoke to us.

Chester’s voice, got me through highschool.The way he sung lyrics of the songs moved me, you could hear his pain and that feeling in his vocals got me through the worse times in those years of my life.

He was my first rock celebrity crush, his geekiness and WOW that voice .

The world lost a precious soul with a precious voice.

I’m incredibly saddened by this. This is all I can say… that I’m incredibly sad about this.

I’m all choked up that I can’t even string coherent sentences and spell properly.

 

 

 

Life Complaint. May edition.

I will admit while I have a job that I do not particularly enjoy, a job is a job is a job is a job. It’s something that pays the bills and buys the necessities in life.

I often find myself bored. I’m not productive. I can go clean the house, but I do not because I’m not in the mood or I’m simply just lazy. Buying material goods does not make me happy. I’ve found no joy in any new clothing I buy or whatever and I don’t know what I want anymore. Material possessions do not fascinate me. I think often, the more I buy the less space I have, the more junk I accumulate and then there is more rubbish that clutter and pollutes the world.   I often find myself thinking, reflecting, why I am not in the mood to watch netflix, normal television, watch or participate in sport. I feel no passion. I feel bored. I can’t even be bothered reading.

What is wrong with me?

 

 

Thoughts on the “remake/reboot” of ‘Journey to the West’ or rather ‘Monkey’

Normally, I don’t get into the whole whitewashing conversation of POC characters in western films because some asian films can be remade and adapted to a western audience.  Also, most of the time I am wary about getting into rage-based identity politics but…

When I heard that ABC, TVNZ and Netflix were collaborating and doing a “remake” (I would call a tribute) of the 1970’s Japanese adaptation of the show ‘Monkey’, I was quite frankly, outraged.

Being Australian of the Asian variety, whilst I’m not fully chinese myself, I did grow up watching the multiple Chinese, Taiwanese and HK adaptations in Vietnamese dub.

Australian kids of East/South East Asian background are raised watching or at least knowing the story of ‘Journey to the West’. A chinese buddhist monk goes on a pilgrimage with his three disciples to collect the sacred scriptures from India.

When I saw the photo and the description of the ABC/TVNZ/Netflix adaptation, I didn’t see anything connecting to China. This story has some historical background. Xuansang is a real life 16th Century Monk who did go to India and collect scripture. Xuansang recorded his 17 year journey to India, which nine centuries later inspired Wu Cheng’en to write the ‘Journey to the West’ novel with supernatural elements.

If you can’t understand why Asians in the West (USA, UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand) are fucking angry over this, it’s because of the above, it has historical context.

I understand that this English Language ‘reboot’ series is not intended for an Eastern audience. In saying that, You would think the ABC and TVNZ take into account the outrage overseas with Scarlett Johansson and Emma Stone being cast for asian characters. Do they realise that there are Asian communities across Australia and New Zealand? Also, Asians are under-represented on local television and movies. I find it difficult to swallow what they have fed us. When it was announced that they were adapting this story, as soon as I saw the pictures of the cast,  I was disappointed and pissed off.

I still can’t get over it.