What in the…

I am trying to convince myself that’s it’s all in my head.

I had desired him, but wish not to.

His name just comes up every day. I have said, his name was never a common name in my life time.

I am drawn to things that make me encounter his name.

Be it news articles, movies and even at work.

I said ‘no’ to the universe, but his name still pops up.

It’s driving me insane.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the universe is telling me.

 

 

F!@king February.

I chose the above title “Fucking February” as I am exclaiming it in anger and joy (?). I’ve had an odd February. It ‘s still the beginning yet, it feels like it’s about to be over and so much has occurred in a span of 13 days.

I’ve had ups-and-downs regarding my current work place. News of importance and massive inconvenience came around the first week of February and put a dent on my plans for the year. I can’t disclose too much but the client reneged on their contact with the company I work for. This news or rather decision and situation has placed all my colleagues (including me) under a cloud of uncertainty. Apparently, the company plan to keep the many agents working that contract, but like everything, it’s not confirmed and I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

Funnily enough, my teammates thought I would have a mental breakdown due the announcement because they think of me so serious and concentrated. Once I found out about the situation, I thought it to be a complete farce given the nature of the job and what I do on a day to day basis there. Instead, of having a mental breakdown I saw it in as a window of opportunity.

Upon reflection, I decided it’s not a stable place to work at my current workplace and  I do not want to be in the situation of becoming unemployed again. Whilst, I hate (but tolerated) the job, I was naive to think that it would provide me that stability I long craved for. I decided post-announcement, it was time to take action and actively seek other employment. I am not going to twiddle my fingers until they assign me to another contract. It’s not guaranteed, I do not like uncertainty and being screwed over.

Seeking new employment wasn’t on my plans for the beginning of the year, however, if you know by my previous blog entries, I’m a person who believes in signs.

Prior to the announcement, I was working the weekend and had the vibe to look at SEEK for jobs whilst at work. For me to go browse a job seeking website at work is very unusual for me. It means the job has broken me.

Next day, the news broke out.

The day after the news broke out , I was on a rostered day off and my horoscope of the day communicated a very clear message that it was time for me to look elsewhere.

The universe was loud and clear on this aspect of my life. Time to move on!

Speaking of the universe, whilst the message regarding the job is loud and clear, I still can’t understand why a certain individuals name keeps popping up. I see his name everywhere and I don’t know what it’s all about.

No messages attached to it. It’s starting to annoy me because I don’t know how to proceed or what to do. I am confused am I to pursue or am I not. I don’t know why I keep seeing his name.

It’s just 13 days in February. I applied for one job and got a response that NEVER happens to me.

Now lets just wait and see.

Until next time.

The void, the darkness. Call it whatever you want.

I’m going through one of those periods where I want to lock myself in the room and never see the light of day again.

I’m feeling sad, anxious, self-conscious and just plain moody.

It’s a combination of many things that have triggered this response. Add to the fact that it’s the time of the month which just makes it even worse.

The more I try explain it to people the more they do not understand how I am. There are only two people in my life who have a slight understanding what I am going through because they have or are going through it.

I am prone to outbursts when I can’t conceal it well.

This feeling of emptiness, whilst I am emotionally fragile and I do feel things but I don’t. I don’t know how to put it in words.

 

 

 

In continuation of yesterday.

One of my workmates within my team—being the gentlemen that he is, decided to celebrate my birthday a day late by gifting me cake.

It was very considerate of him but he didn’t have to.

That being said, the opportunity presented itself.

Food means left over chocolate and red velvet cake = I could muster some courage to offer cake to a certain guy I like at work. He gladly took some cake.

Talked to the guy (check box ticked)

My job is done and I can finally move on (YAY)

 

 

Must be the Moon

This is odd (even?) Second post of the month and new year. This is a new record. Realistically speaking, it’s not going to be like this everyday. I just came home early from work and actually had a lot of time to spare. I watched a bit of Season 2 of Cable Girls but stopped half way an episode because I am not in the mood to watch anything and decided to blog.

I am feeling quite content so far. I don’t know how to fully describe it but I am feeling upbeat or receiving good vibes. It’s an odd feeling because I rarely feel like this. I think it MUST BE THE MOON.

I scored 100% for my first Quality Assurance for the of the month (and year) and what’s hilarious is that I used a stock standard template and tweaked it a bit. I shouldn’t complain. I’ll take the score. It’s just hilarious because I’ve failed before using the same template. ‘Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be’

I came into work today and they were pretty flexible with keeping me on even if I am/was sick (many people were away you see). In the past, people were sent home if they could not use their voice. My voice was that bad, but they were lenient and switched me to emails for the entire day and I am thankful for that. My voice, I believe has recovered back to 85%  to normal and I can resume to take calls tomorrow.

Whilst my throat is on recovery, I drank a lot of water to ease the dryness/soreness and it was that bad today, I ended up drinking almost two litres of water. A lot of pee breaks I must say, but there are the positives.  I can say my lips are to the point of becoming smooth like a baby. I need to get back to the habit of drinking water regularly. After one day, my skin has also improved. My aim is to reduce my Coca Cola and soft drink consumption. The only caffeine I can indulge in is coffee and tea.

I normally prefer to take the later shifts, but because the kiddies are on summer holidays, public transport is bearable (even though majority of the time will be replacement buses). I find it easier to wake up earlier in the morning and getting to work on time. I do find a difference and understand why my workmates prefer the earlier shift. I got home and ended having spare time and just spent it eating dinner, watching half an episode of Cable Girls and taking a nap.

There is nothing more I can type about apart from remembering I didn’t prepare any lunch for tomorrow.

Note to self: Prepare lunch for work every night. Avoid buying lunch.

That’s it for today. Until next time.

 

The last day of 2017

I don’t want to make this an essay but it might end up as an essay (a very badly structured essay— or rather reflective piece).

Normally, a Netflix movie would be on in the background and I’d be having a glass of wine whilst typing this. Actually, I planned to stay at a friends house, eating cheese and drinking many glasses of wine but we’re both sick due to the fucking temperamental weather.

It’s not going to be a great 2018 because obviously, I’m sick (Summer flu).  This sickness that came about on the  28 Thursday December 2017 will roll over to the new year. I have a stuffy nose, my throat feels like fucking sandpaper… and HAHAHA, for a person who is employed to answer phone calls, I’ve lost my voice temporarily! I have to be back at work on Tuesday and I can’t afford to miss work!

I will be honest, I didn’t keep track of my year because apart from staying in a job for an entire year (that’s a milestone for my personal record). It was a blur. Also, this blog turned out to be something I didn’t intend it to be, and now it’s just my personal bitch about life online diary. ( Note to self: I have to update the intention of this blog).

So, the start of 2018 will consist of myself nursing my throat and it is not looking good!

What happened this year (2017) for me?

All I remember  (below, not in event order):

  • James Comey hearing
  • James Comey trying to camouflage himself with the Blue White House curtains.
  • Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s leaked telephone transcript with Donald Trump
  • My bestfriend gave birth to an adorable daughter with fabulous hair.
  • Sean Spicer Resignation
  • Anthony Scaramucci getting fired.
  • Updates and policies at work, changing every 2 weeks, now it’s every one week and a half.

The realisations and changes that happened to me (profoundly altered me personally)

  • The job has made me dead inside
  • I am more blunt
  • I now hold a grudge with a passion, I am less tolerant and impatient. Fundamentally, I have never been confrontational and straight with my wrath and vengeance. My wrath and vengeance is silent… I do that behind the scenes.
  • Me being interested in somebody for the first time since 2013
  • Me being chicken and not being able to say a simple ‘hello’ to that certain guy (I need to work on that)
  • I really want to (f!@#k) that guy
  • I made some new friends
  • I realised I need to see a shrink asap

That was pretty much it

However, I have a month and a half to improve the start of the year. Not to worry much ! Friday 16th February 2018 is my do-over New Year because it’s Lunar New Year, which I take a touch more seriously.

Any resolutions? LOL. Yeah. I need to make a vision board. That’s all.

I will take on 2018 humbly!