It’s officially the last day of a decade

I haven’t touched this wordpress for an entire year. Please note, I’m typing this in the wee hours of morning . I started at 12 am, this is going to be a very long post. Thank you for reading it in advance. If you get to the end of this post I appreciate it.

I’ve decided to log in an entry, because at this period of the year, everyone gets super reflective. Also, a close friend of mine has invited me to a small cozy NYE get together so I can’t type this three hours before 2020 comes.

Apologies in advance, this post may be riddled with many spelling and grammatical errors.

***

2019 brings a close to a decade and it’s actually quite daunting because a few days into the new year, I turn the big Three O’ and I don’t know whether to feel excited or not.

Here comes the end of 2018.

I had decided to spend it with a former colleague of mine and watch the fireworks– this is my favour to her.  She’ll typically lament about her lack of romance in her life at the age of 25 (sigh), whilst she cannot believe that I am thinking going home and spend NYE drinking wine and watch Netflix.

Nothing really good has happened this year. I had a meltdown during the middle of the year which was a wake up call that I needed to to have. My new job is actually my old job which I despise, but this time around I have a better wage, so my aim for next year is not to whine about.

Do I have plans for 2019? I do, but I don’t know whether it would be fulfilled.

I never stick to new years resolutions anyway.

This post day early because my ritual of typing up a post has been hijacked by plans of actually going out to CBD and watch mediocre fireworks.

Package Thief vs Glitter Bomb

I stumbled across an article which led me to this top trending video of a former NASA engineer who got sick an tired of his parcels being stolen on his front porch and created something called a ‘Glitter Bomb’ (click on video link below) as a marvellous prank.

Package Thief vs. Glitter Bomb

KUDOS to him. One of the worst things to happen is having possessions stolen from your front porch. It’s dishonest and anyone who has done this is a fucking thief.

I haven’t experienced it personally but my cousin did. When I was in Year 10, she bought brand new Adidas Dragon shoes, she only wore them once and stupidly left them at the front house (being from an Asian household, we tend to take our shoes off before entering a household). But her stupidity is not the point, the point is that some random person entered someones property boundary and stole shoes. I don’t like it, have respect for your neighbours (we suspected our neighbours kids took it, because funnily enough they had the same colour and it was brand new).

 

 

 

 

November.

It’s nearly the end of November. Nothing that eventful apart from…

I quit my job.

The last two weeks of my old job went by at a snail’s pace. Now, the week long detox/break is going at lightening speed! Am I going to enjoy my new role?

It took 5 months to find a new job and I ended up accepting a role that I know I will not enjoy BUT I have the understanding that this time around I can climb the ladder, with more options/opportunities and there is a higher wage attached to it– because I work directly for the company. I start my new old job next Monday.

I cannot complain about the nature of this job because I fully understand what I signed up for.

I look forward to December!

 

Number 9. September. Month for change.

I had a pretty bad spell for the past few months. It started when I entered into a new contract within the place I work in the beginning of June. I wasn’t provided the option to stay in the old contract due to my annual leave and was forced to transition into training for that role in the middle of May. Prior to that I wasn’t able to secure employment elsewhere due my planned trip overseas and another opportunity was lost a few days before I was due to depart Australia.

I generally can adapt to change, but early June was not that time. I was stressed out, overthinking and all hell broke loose. I had a meltdown. A panic attack, that the sound of a phone ringing made me crawl into a foetal position. I was that terrified of a phone call.  My mood swings also alienated people around me. I could not fake that happy smile. I was miserable and I showed it.

It was that bad that I had to go to the GP  who prescribed me anti-depressants to calm down (with mixed results).

I am not going to lie, I have been struggling to get to work these past few months because I do not enjoy the work I do. I do not feel competent at what I do and I struggle to try enjoy the work . It’s not only me, it’s everyone around me. Work don’t seem to care too.

I have resolved to look for employment elsewhere because I need a new beginning and a higher wage.

 

 

14 May 2018

The truth is…

I haven’t been feeling mentally well these past few months. I have moments when my insecurities are getting the best of me. It has been an internal struggle.

I HAVE NO love in my life and when the topic comes up, the gates shut. It’s a sensitive topic and I shut down a conversation when it comes up because I will burst out crying on the spot if someone asks me how I truly feel.

I just found out that the man that I have been infatuated with for an entire year and a half is taken. I am angry at myself that I still am attracted to him and want him. I move on then I see him and I relapse… it is an ongoing vicious cycle. I don’t know why I am drawn to him only. There are other more attractive men at work.

I see his name everywhere. I thought the universe would stop, but even if it’s confirmed he is taken I see his name everywhere. It makes me sad.

Dark Period of this year

Things have not gone well so far folks.

Summer has ended and has entered Autumn (by the way, my favourite season of the year) but my life has taken a sudden dark turn. I can’t disclose too much information but I feel like I have betrayed a friend at work. Can’t disclose any details,…. but I feel like I might be (below).

I will just have to wait and see this coming week.

Other than that, in my pursuit of love (or lack of), my mind decided ‘no’ (my heart said ‘yes’). Word has it the guy that I have been crushing for a year is taken. It definitely defined the boundary (confirmation that he is indeed untouchable). Part of me is relieved, part of me is actually very sad. I’ve been crushing a not-single guy for an entire year. I feel like a fool because how dare I be attracted to a guy that is about to get married?

It’s a punch in the face.

Worst still, his name is still popping up everywhere. I don’t know what that is about.

I haven’t had a good week and I feel like it’s going to get worse.

Until next time.

 

What in the…

I am trying to convince myself that’s it’s all in my head.

I had desired him, but wish not to.

His name just comes up every day. I have said, his name was never a common name in my life time.

I am drawn to things that make me encounter his name.

Be it news articles, movies and even at work.

I said ‘no’ to the universe, but his name still pops up.

It’s driving me insane.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the universe is telling me.

 

 

F!@king February.

I chose the above title “Fucking February” as I am exclaiming it in anger and joy (?). I’ve had an odd February. It ‘s still the beginning yet, it feels like it’s about to be over and so much has occurred in a span of 13 days.

I’ve had ups-and-downs regarding my current work place. News of importance and massive inconvenience came around the first week of February and put a dent on my plans for the year. I can’t disclose too much but the client reneged on their contact with the company I work for. This news or rather decision and situation has placed all my colleagues (including me) under a cloud of uncertainty. Apparently, the company plan to keep the many agents working that contract, but like everything, it’s not confirmed and I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

Funnily enough, my teammates thought I would have a mental breakdown due the announcement because they think of me so serious and concentrated. Once I found out about the situation, I thought it to be a complete farce given the nature of the job and what I do on a day to day basis there. Instead, of having a mental breakdown I saw it in as a window of opportunity.

Upon reflection, I decided it’s not a stable place to work at my current workplace and  I do not want to be in the situation of becoming unemployed again. Whilst, I hate (but tolerated) the job, I was naive to think that it would provide me that stability I long craved for. I decided post-announcement, it was time to take action and actively seek other employment. I am not going to twiddle my fingers until they assign me to another contract. It’s not guaranteed, I do not like uncertainty and being screwed over.

Seeking new employment wasn’t on my plans for the beginning of the year, however, if you know by my previous blog entries, I’m a person who believes in signs.

Prior to the announcement, I was working the weekend and had the vibe to look at SEEK for jobs whilst at work. For me to go browse a job seeking website at work is very unusual for me. It means the job has broken me.

Next day, the news broke out.

The day after the news broke out , I was on a rostered day off and my horoscope of the day communicated a very clear message that it was time for me to look elsewhere.

The universe was loud and clear on this aspect of my life. Time to move on!

Speaking of the universe, whilst the message regarding the job is loud and clear, I still can’t understand why a certain individuals name keeps popping up. I see his name everywhere and I don’t know what it’s all about.

No messages attached to it. It’s starting to annoy me because I don’t know how to proceed or what to do. I am confused am I to pursue or am I not. I don’t know why I keep seeing his name.

It’s just 13 days in February. I applied for one job and got a response that NEVER happens to me.

Now lets just wait and see.

Until next time.

The void, the darkness. Call it whatever you want.

I’m going through one of those periods where I want to lock myself in the room and never see the light of day again.

I’m feeling sad, anxious, self-conscious and just plain moody.

It’s a combination of many things that have triggered this response. Add to the fact that it’s the time of the month which just makes it even worse.

The more I try explain it to people the more they do not understand how I am. There are only two people in my life who have a slight understanding what I am going through because they have or are going through it.

I am prone to outbursts when I can’t conceal it well.

This feeling of emptiness, whilst I am emotionally fragile and I do feel things but I don’t. I don’t know how to put it in words.